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Tag Archives: relationships

Behind Closed Doors is going to be a weekly “column” of mine dealing strictly with sex and relationships from my own experiences, my friend’s, and just other observations through conversations or stories that have been passed down. Enjoy. 🙂 

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Is the Sex enough?

No girl wants to admit it because sometimes we don’t notice it. We use sex to get our way. That’s why make up sex is so effective. An ex of mine and I used to have this rule: If after an argument we have sex, the argument is dead and moot. There is no bring it back up, the sex has resolved all issues. But did it really? It’s like a transfer of power. Men always want to say that we control all of the power. The power of the P-Pie (as my uncle calls it), the Nonny, the Cookie, whatever you want to call it. Any gentleman will tell you that he proceeds with only the highest level of caution towards the honey pot, and only at the behest of a willing lady. However, women end up with the caught feelings, the parading around in our most scandalous of scantily-clad skivvies, and in the end the strongest heartbreak. Why is that? It’s because while we ladies have the lock, the men have the key and they know that we’ll do anything to keep it if it fits. 

Let me give you some examples of the point I’m attempting to illustrate.

I was reading another blog once and the author mentioned how it’s hard for men to break up with women. The main reason? Because make-up sex is so damn good. The man goes in to end it, she starts crying, the good head game comes out, and it’s a wrap. Dwele mentioned this power of persuasion in his song Shady:she followed it up with head shots called fellatio/ She found my weakness that shady mother f*er…” So is the sex enough? The problem is I don’t think it is. In this case, the man no longer wants to be in the situation, but the woman uses the power of ultimate man-confusion and he’s down for the count not thinking clearly. The dust will settle, and out hearts will pay for it. 

Erykah Badu (congrats on the new baby. It was wild seeing her tweet during labor) sang in Green Eyes/Too Late: “just make love to me/ just one more time and then you’ll see/ I can’t believe I made a desperate plea/ what’s with me?”

But we do this. We think the sex is enough. We think if he will feel us just that one last time, it’ll be enough to convince him that the good times are far better than the bad times, and that they are right around the corner again. I’m sorry ladies but it’s true and it happens. Maybe you’ve grown out of it and you’re better for it, maybe you still do it without thinking. I’m not talking about the women who use sex for money or what have you even though in the Dwele song, she was clearly shady. I’m talking about how sometimes we put our hearts on our Nonny’s thinking that it’ll be easier for him to catch it if it’s there. 

Tough lesson to learn I guess, but you soon realize that a man will never say no to vagina, especially one he’s familiar and comfortable with. Even it means letting you think for a little while that he’s there to stay. We gotta get better at spotting the real from the fake. Is it possible? Is abstinence the only way? Do we have to surpress our desires and urges just to keep our hearts intact? Or can we learn to play his games too?

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JG*

yes folks, ladebelle’s life was in fact threatened by a now ex. it’s this statement coupled with a conversation with the incredible slim jackson that lead to the writing of this blog and need for your feedback.

summary of slim and i’s conversation:

we were chatting about last weeks “i need a man” syndrome post and i brought up how my ex had told me that he would kill me if i ever cheated on him (and this was one of the reasons that lead to the ultimate demise of our relationship). slim’s response was that that made sense. and naturally i’m like, “oh wise slim, how in hades does that make sense?” slim tells me that men’s reactions to women cheating on them is more extreme then a man cheating on a woman and that women will most likely take the cheating man back. i thought about this and spewed some pro-woman speech and society and blah blah blah… something like this:

i think that society grooms women to be docile creatures and accepting of men’s trifling ass behavior. women are taught to be happy with just having a man period–even if that means settling for a sub-par man. and this is bullshit

hence the birth of this specific blog.

the cheaters…

i think that it’s a known fact that both men and women cheat. men suck at it and women are more calculated. but why do they cheat?

research shows that these are the top 6 reasons for why men cheat:

  1. she ain’t what she used to be
  2. she nags too much
  3. the thrill of doing something they aren’t supposed to be doing
  4. they just want to because they think they’re missing something or they settled down too early
  5. it’s “biology” (i’d like to represent that i think this right here is bullshit)
  6. it’s just sex

ok… so now for women’s top 6 reasons:

  1. familiarity breeds indifference or we just don’t feel appreciated
  2. you’re leading parallel lives and spending less time together
  3. the passion has fizzled
  4. the fantasy has fizzled
  5. your ego needs a boost
  6. it’s payback for his cheating

i think that cheating is a result of something missing in the relationship period.

what do you do?

so now someone has cheated. what are the responses?

men, do you go crazy and kill her? do you choke her out ike-style? or do you like mario winans (i think that’s who the song is by) and you want your woman to keep it on the low?

women, do you get lorena-bobbit on that ass or are you more like hillary clinton? are you publicly supporting him for cheating with a crazy transvestite while silently plotting against him? or do you simply pack your shit and go?

let’s talk about it!

xoxo

ladebelle (aka i’m happy i’m still alive)

p.s.

at this time i would like to point out that there are more songs by women going crazy over a male cheating on them then there are songs by men going crazy.

**sorry for the late post peoples!**

in light of some movies and some real life shit, i’ve been doing some thinking on the state of women in the world today. i was talking to a friend last night about how women are really crazy. (i did move on to how maybe it’s just people in general who are crazy but that’s a different post for a different day) as a woman, i find this horribly disturbing the fact that women go to the lengths of the crazy that they do because of a man. 

 

i mean, really?

i mean, really?

 

 

i think that at the root of all this craziness is the “i need a man” syndrome. ladies, i think most of us have been here before. it looks something like this… you’re single and fly (or not) and you feel as though your relationship status should change. that’s when you hit ALL your friends with the “i need a man” whine whenever you talk to them. you think that you need a man to take you out, snuggle with after hitting that spot the right way, and have those late night chats with till 5am knowing you have to be to work at 8am.

so then some poor blind guy finally falls into your trap and now you have a man. he’s hitting that spot like every single nite taking you out, you guys are making googly eyes at each other, talking late nites and all the love songs are about him. then something happens. he is caught stroking someone else’s kitty breaks up with you or decides things are moving too fast or whatever lame excuse that guys come up with. either way, the dynamics of your relationship have come to an abrupt stop. 

this is when the crazy needy women allow their inner crazy to come out and grace the world with their presence. next thing you know, you’re setting his mattress on fire as he sleeps or “busting windows out his car”. you are now certifiably crazy. and it’s not because he’s a dog or ain’t shit, it’s because you are slap crazy! things started out wrong from jumpstreet because of this incessant “i need a man” sydrome. 

ladies, let’s do something different in 2009. not only have men made it clear that they don’t want a woman who suffers from the “i need a man” syndrome with multiple songs like “independent woman”, “trading places”, “she got her own”, but let’s do it for ourselves. plus, i know as a woman, i can’t be kickin it wit no crazy ladies cuz if she’ll go crazy on him, that means she’s liable to flip out on me too… gotta pass on that…  

 

xoxo

ladebelle (aka let’s give up crazy in 09)

to continue with our most recent “scandalous” rants, i decided to blog on the topic of the “cheater”…

the other night as i was waiting for sleep to kick in, i was reading this blog that this woman wrote about her trials and tribulations and basic experiences that she had. i would like to represent two things here:

  1. i’m not the firmest believer that sex is cheating (a blog for another day… or maybe i’ve already blogged on it… either way, this has to do with my f-ed up history)
  2. the lady in this blog is most definitely a cheater

ok, so now that that stuff is out of the way… i was reading her story and i couldn’t stop until i’d read it from start to finish. she chronicles her affair with gert in such a way that i began to empathize with her. i think that we’ve all been in serious relationships and in the beginning, they are filled with lust, happiness, blindness. blindness? yes. during this infamous honeymoon phase, most are blind to who the person really is and we are infatuated with who we think they are.

but once the honeymoon phase is over and we look at what we really have, some are not quite as satisfied. or we forget to make time for each other. or we forget to make the other feel special. or we just no longer feel like doing the relationship thing anymore but we aren’t adult enough to say that. or we rushed into a lifelong (to be read as: as long as we can’t afford a divorce) comittment and it’s too late. either way, the honeymoon phase is over and now you’re left sitting in a pile of shit. so… what do you do? some (in fact most) do what this lady did and have a fling…

now, let me pause and represent that i think that she took this shit waaaaay too far but i don’t know if given her circumstance, i wouldn’t have done something similar (never to this extent). the way she wrote and poured her heart and soul out and was so open and naiive was amazing to me… i’m not saying amazing in the right way, but i was definitely awed. and some of the feelings that she had, i just couldn’t imagine her being ok with! for example, she was angry when the person she was cheating with was having an affair with someone else. bananas right? the crazier thing is that she loved this man more then her husband. so why stay with him right?

so this prompted some questions on my behalf and i want your full and honest opinions here:

  • what’s your definition of cheating?
  • based on your definition, have you ever cheated? why?
  • again, based on your definition, have you ever been cheated on? were you able to forgive them?
  • why do you think that people cheat?

i can’t wait to “hear” your responses…

xoxo

ladebelle