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happy hump day everyone! 

today’s blog won’t be a typical rant per normal, rather a directed rant instead. i received the following question from one of our readers:

does your man come close to what u imagine a man to be? and does that image allow u to say fuck it at his short comings?

you know, it’s funny that this question came up. yesterday i was chatting with a friend of mine about how he wants for his marriage to be and he touched on something similar to this. he said that he wanted his wife to want him regardless of all his flaws and still want to love him and cater to him and he would do the same. now that i’m done reminiscing, let me answer the questions.

as was announced with my 5000th tweet, i’m a divorcee. my wusband is one of the most wonderful men in the world and he will make some woman the luckiest woman in the world–but that just couldn’t be me. as with most women, i had a mold that i wanted him to fit in. however, i don’t believe in changing people to be what you want them to be so i had to let him go free. 

to answer the second question, seeing as though our marriage didn’t last, i don’t think that i could look over his shortcomings and i think that he deserves someone who wants him as he is and how most of us are–in progress. 

phew! that was kind of hard to answer but now readers, it’s your turn to answer the question. do you have a “type” or specific qualities that you look for? what are some of the things that you are unwilling to compromise on? or simply give feedback! 

 

this is my time (thankfully)

xoxo

“in progress herself” ladebelle

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There is no Drill Baby Drill sign posted on the doors to my heaven.

NO

NO

So please, please stop trying to reach The Core.

You will not reach the center of the earth through me

You will not reach the center of the earth through me

I’m not saying we don’t like it hard and fast. But at least let me beg for it. Do not get to drilling the minute you enter paradise. Seriously. Where are you trying to go? I need men to take more time out to love and learn the female anatomy. I won’t post pictures here because this isn’t science class and I need y’all men to get out there and do the work yourselves! We talked about size last week, but the other important piece to that puzzle is how you work it. I said sized did matter, and I stand by that, however, don’t think that just because you are carrying around the “baby’s arm” that you can slang it however you want.

Listen closely. The Vagina, Vagine, Vajayjay, Nonny, P-Pie, whatever is full of great and fantastical nerves. However, those nerves cease existing in the bottom third of the honey pot. So all that drilling and jackrabbiting you are doing, isn’t as effective as you think it is. “Bottoming out”  can be a good time if it’s done right. That part of our anatomy can be painful if constantly hit or “drilled” so all that screaming you’re hearing is her way of attempting to tell you to stop, while still trying to continue to stroke your Male Ego™ as well as your prized possesion.

Let me show you a little educational video that is sincerely important for today’s lesson.

I was really searching for a way to use the good words of Ms. Alexyss K. Tyler. LOL

It’s all about how you employ your movements. Mix it up a little. Keep us guessing. Bring us to the edge with one move, then push us over with the next. I posted a link last week that may have gone unnoticed but I think it’s important to bring up again. Sex Info 101 is a FANTABULOUS resource for random positions. But please, study this. Use your knowledge of the anatomy, this link, and her body wisely. Do not try to bend your women up like a pretzel when she aint built to twist like that. Don’t put yourself in suspect positions trying to be freaky, because we might not catch the drift.

All I’m saying men is treat the Wishing Well like you would treat anything that you loved. With love and adoration. The Ying Yang Twins can have a song in which they constantly repeat “Beat the P***y up” only because they probably rarely get any. But I don’t want my poontang beaten up. Why on earth would I want that? I like it rough, but I want to be able to walk tomorrow. Men, just listen to her body. When she wants it hard, she’ll tell you, when her brain starts to scramble from the nailing you’re giving her, she’ll tell you to stop. Please listen. 🙂

Y’all know which part I’m talking about in the above clip. THAT’S how you drill.

Enjoy. 😉

Ms. NoThanks

I’m really tired (read: Lazy) from traveling up the eastern seaboard. I seem to live in NYC when I’m not in ATL. If you live in NYC, holla at ya girl a good place that I MUST visit. So I thought instead of writing a half-assed wack post, I’d cross post another post from another blog that I write. Some of you probably saw it from my tweeting, but I’m willing to bet many of you didn’t. It’s a really good post, and I want you guy’s thoughts on it. Check it out. 

~~~~~~

Necole Bitchie had a blog recently about how Michael Jai White’s wife Courtney proposed to him because she was tired of waiting. Ms. Bitchie was simply putting it out there that maybe it is ok for women to propose considering that our men are acting as if they don’t want to. I implore you to pop over there and take a look. She also quoted a very important quote that I’ll share with you over here. 

 

“A stunned White beamed a Kool-Aid smile and responded affirmatively. “I was pleasantly shocked and didn’t feel emasculated at all, ” admits White. ”I immediately said ‘yes’ because I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her whether we got married or not.”

  Now, here’s where I get started. Well before I get into that quote, let me just say my piece on the topic. I for one, will not be proposing to no man, no time soon. Call me a traditionalist, call me conservative, call me Susan, I don’t care (Sorry Whitney). I just have very solid ideas for how relationships and marriage should work, and I hope to see those things through for myself. I honestly don’t feel as though my *hang-ups* regarding not proposing to a man will end up in me being single for life. In this day and age it seems like the lines are getting reeeeeaaaaaal blurry when it comes to who is the woman and who is the man. I believe in equal pay for women, and women’s rights and such, but (and maybe it’s my religious beliefs) I do believe that there are certain roles we play in relationships that allow things to work cohesively. No matter who makes the most money in my household the man will be the man and I will be the woman. That means he can act as provider, he can fix stuff, and I can be the nurturer and I can run the family. Doing these things doesn’t take away from my independence, my ability to also have a job or anything else (see: Michelle Obama, Claire Huxtable), or even not allow us to occasionally do things in the other’s role. This meaning, he cooks, or I mow the lawn. With that being said, AINT NO WAY, I’m going to let a man think he can be with me for the rest of my life with or without a spiritual commitment. The Bible says (here I go) “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing.” Not.. “She who finds a husband has found a good thing too.” I give props to Mrs. White (or is he Mr. Chatman?) for stepping to the plate and “putting a ring on it.” It just wouldn’t be me. 

 His above quote shows just how willing he was to keep her waiting for that special day. Was he planning on having children with her? While many feel like marriage is not a requirement for having children, I for one don’t plan on putting the cart before the horse. Things happen, true, but I don’t want to plan on it. In her situation she had only been dating him for a year. To her that may have been too long, and the pressure to get married may have been strong. I don’t think that’s too long to date before getting married so I know I wouldn’t have been feeling the itch too bad. However, to me, if its been years and he’s not asking, I wouldn’t feel like marriage is something he wanted and proposing to him instead would be the last thing on my mind. 

I really do wish the best for Mrs. & Mr. Chatman(white?) because no matter how they got there I love to see beautiful married couples. I just can’t wrap my mind around how I could possibly feel comfortable or good knowing that I had to ask HIM, and then knowing that he was content to never ask me at all! 

 What do the people say? Am I out of the loop and doomed for life until I accept this as a possible reality for myself? Was Beyonce off the mark and instead of being in the club, doin her own lil thing she should have put a ring on him? Who buys the ring? Surely she does. Then who puts it on who? Someone please, tell me how this works! 

Questions, questions, DISCUSS!

 

JG*

Behind Closed Doors is going to be a weekly “column” of mine dealing strictly with sex and relationships from my own experiences, my friend’s, and just other observations through conversations or stories that have been passed down. Enjoy. 🙂 

doors

Is the Sex enough?

No girl wants to admit it because sometimes we don’t notice it. We use sex to get our way. That’s why make up sex is so effective. An ex of mine and I used to have this rule: If after an argument we have sex, the argument is dead and moot. There is no bring it back up, the sex has resolved all issues. But did it really? It’s like a transfer of power. Men always want to say that we control all of the power. The power of the P-Pie (as my uncle calls it), the Nonny, the Cookie, whatever you want to call it. Any gentleman will tell you that he proceeds with only the highest level of caution towards the honey pot, and only at the behest of a willing lady. However, women end up with the caught feelings, the parading around in our most scandalous of scantily-clad skivvies, and in the end the strongest heartbreak. Why is that? It’s because while we ladies have the lock, the men have the key and they know that we’ll do anything to keep it if it fits. 

Let me give you some examples of the point I’m attempting to illustrate.

I was reading another blog once and the author mentioned how it’s hard for men to break up with women. The main reason? Because make-up sex is so damn good. The man goes in to end it, she starts crying, the good head game comes out, and it’s a wrap. Dwele mentioned this power of persuasion in his song Shady:she followed it up with head shots called fellatio/ She found my weakness that shady mother f*er…” So is the sex enough? The problem is I don’t think it is. In this case, the man no longer wants to be in the situation, but the woman uses the power of ultimate man-confusion and he’s down for the count not thinking clearly. The dust will settle, and out hearts will pay for it. 

Erykah Badu (congrats on the new baby. It was wild seeing her tweet during labor) sang in Green Eyes/Too Late: “just make love to me/ just one more time and then you’ll see/ I can’t believe I made a desperate plea/ what’s with me?”

But we do this. We think the sex is enough. We think if he will feel us just that one last time, it’ll be enough to convince him that the good times are far better than the bad times, and that they are right around the corner again. I’m sorry ladies but it’s true and it happens. Maybe you’ve grown out of it and you’re better for it, maybe you still do it without thinking. I’m not talking about the women who use sex for money or what have you even though in the Dwele song, she was clearly shady. I’m talking about how sometimes we put our hearts on our Nonny’s thinking that it’ll be easier for him to catch it if it’s there. 

Tough lesson to learn I guess, but you soon realize that a man will never say no to vagina, especially one he’s familiar and comfortable with. Even it means letting you think for a little while that he’s there to stay. We gotta get better at spotting the real from the fake. Is it possible? Is abstinence the only way? Do we have to surpress our desires and urges just to keep our hearts intact? Or can we learn to play his games too?

picture-4

 

 

 

 

JG*

Like  the great T.I. said “Match ya panties with bra get your Sh*t together” 

sexy-bed

 

Seriously though. He had a good point. A while back I blogged about what men have to do to even get to the point of sticking. Well ladies, don’t think you got off easy. I’m not 100% on the “he needs to be paying to get my hair and nails done” thing. I feel like if he’s my boyfriend, then I will appreciate such a treat, but it’s not anything I expect. My mama raised me to make sure I keep that stuff in check on my own. So with that said here is the list ladies. 

 

Match your Panties with your Bra. 

I used to be on the “but do you KNOW how expensive that is?” Excuses for days. I’m also not saying that you should have 30 pairs of panties and 30 bras that all match. Be smart about it. Make sure they match for HIM. Also, 3 pairs of panties with different prints may match 1 bra. And finally, Victoria’s Secret is not the only place that makes good cute bras. I discovered Target a few years ago, and I’ve been much better for it. Besides, I love feeling sexy, so I love to match for myself. It’s and added bonus though when he sees that you pay attention to the details. Remember, your undies are the last thing he sees before you take him to the promised land. Make sure it’s a pretty picture. 

 

Keep your hair and nails done. 

I also blogged before about the black man’s fetish with pretty feet. It’s a reality people. My mother always said a girl who can’t take care of her feet is saying that she can’t take care of her nonny. She said your feet are the first thing that hit the water. I really took that to heart. Again, you don’t have to get gels/acrylics very two weeks, or have the big-toe design. But do keep them manicured and pretty. And please, invest in a foot loofa. Every time you shower, just do a quick scrub of the feet before you exit. Your S.O. will thank you while you’re spooning and your feet are rubbing up against his legs. He doesn’t want you combing his leg hairs with his feet. Not a good look. And the hair, this can be hard if you don’t know how to do your own hair and times are hard. But if you don’t have a girl you can go to, get a style that is low maintenance for you. But just like I said for men, you have to keep the hair clean. Chances are you are shorter than him, you do not want his nose stuck in your sour milk hair. 

 

Keep the lawn manicured

Some women swear by their natural state. But I would venture to say, that most men in the 20 something range prefer for your lawn to be cut. You can get a good brazilian for anywhere around $25-$65. It’s worth it and it lasts weeks. You can get the landing strip, or go full teenager. Just keep that area free of forestry. I always said men appreciate not having to hunt for the gingerbread house. Too much bush and he might get lost. Not to mention, hair traps sweat and odor. I personally feel it’s just a better look as far as hygiene. I cannot back that with scientific fact, but that’s just how I feel. 

 

Cook for him/Drink with him/Let him kick it with his boys. 

I am not so much of an “independent” woman that I can’t get in the kitchen and cook an amazing slap yo’ mama meal. So many women are looking for that “gentleman” but they have forgotten how to be “ladies”. You want him to open doors, take off his jacket and put it over the puddle, pay the bills even if you can afford to (which, Biblically he should) and all sorts of stuff. But then you have no clue how to hard boil an egg. Shame. Guys also want a girl who can drink and hold her own. Not drink him under the table and you have a bigger beer gut than him. But just a show of how you’re comfortable with him, and he can be with you, and you can have a good time too. Lastly, men will love to see you secure enough to let him hang with his boys. The more you are cool with him getting his space, the more he’ll appreciate the time he has with you. He’ll be out with his boys, thinking about that good meal you just made, your sexy hair and nails, and the landing strip awaiting his arrival. He’ll hurry back in no time. 

 

Lately there’s been some talk of female crazy. And it’s so true. It happens. We get caught up and we lose it. All of these things above are sure to drive a man crazy, and they are honestly, all things that we should be doing for ourselves regardless. That’s the ticket to happiness. Take care of your “Star Player” (thanks Katt Williams) and the rest of the team will prosper as well. This is a short list, but I’m not about to let you men folk come in here and start spewing forth all kinds of other randomness like “she should swallow” and blah blah blah. Get it together.

 

Such a mother F’in lady,

JG*

Men….. You have got to do better. 

 

pee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies, have you ever used the bathroom after you gentleman friend only to find your feet resting in a disgusting puddle? 

Let me say I hope this has not happened to you. But since it has happened to me via more than one gentleman friend, methinks it may be common. 

Sometimes it happens after sex. I can *almost* understand this. He gets up, his willy wang may not be acting right, he stumbles to the toilet and his attempts at perfect aim seem futile. Well, I understand. But why, why dear sweet baby Jesus in your small little baby crib, why can you men NOT CLEAN IT UP!? Is it that you are suffering from post-sex delirium and you fail to notice that you pulled an R.Kelly on my freshly swiffered floor? Or do you not care and you shake it extra hard just to be spiteful? 

Sometimes it happens after copious (shout out to my fellow SAT word lovers…one person in particular) amounts of alcohol are consumed. Ok we got stumbling, inability to focus, and lack of appropriate depth perception. So then why, in the name of all things holy and porcelain, can you not just suck up your male ego and pride , just tuck your willy and sit down to pee? Don’t tell me it’s because you are concerned with germs. Fool it’s your toilet so you should know if it’s clean, or it’s my toilet and you KNOW that it’s clean. Having to keep up with your non-aiming self keeps my bleach constantly on deck. 

Either way, it happens. I, JG*, seem to be the most unfortunate girl who always loses in the foot-race to the bathroom and I am always the one left in the puddle of sterile bodily fluid. I am then left not knowing what to do. It sucks. My foot is wet and icky, yet probably devoid of any bacteria now. I have to maneuver off of the toilet and handle all self-cleaning business on one leg. I have to clean up your foul nastiness because you were too pre-occupied to do it yourself, and I need to clean my feet that I feel now know you on too personal of a level. Once this is done, I hope you have begun to worry what has taken me so long. Also, I hope that you ask. When you ask, you will be met with a fury so deep that you will wish you would have missed and hit yourself in the face instead.

Well really, I say all of that but honestly, I’m too shy to be that real. Well it’s not shy. It’s just that I get embarrassed for other people easily, and when this atrocity occurs, I tend to just clean it up and leave it at that. I don’t want to see the embarrassed look on his face followed by the stumbling and weirdness. I’d rather not see him punk up like that. It would make me sad. Instead, I’ll just accept him as the man-beast that he is and chalk it up to the level of difficulty there must be in taming the beast that is his wang into urination submission. 

 

Until next time….

 

JG*

 

This is a loose hoe.

This is a loose hoe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the topic of the “magic number” has been discussed on other blogs and even here in the comments section ad infinitum.  Each side battles it out and nothing has been resolved. Today I would not like to talk about that number in particular, but my issue with the concept that a man’s perception determines a woman’s purity status.

 As I discussed before there is a sad black cloud that hangs over black women when it comes to our sexuality.  We are controlled by society’s pressures on women period, as well as racial divides. While this is a problem, I see it as something that will be easy to overcome eventually.

What I can’t get over however, is how a man can decide whether or not I, or any other woman, is a hoe.  As discussed in “What’s your number” posts, there was no clear cut number that would send a man running to the hills. On a fellow blogger’s recent blog post there were all sorts of complex mathematical equations floating around to determine the impact of a woman’s “magic number”.  Using these equations you could take the number 20 and 5 different guys would have 5 different conclusions regarding her “status”. For example:

 

Guy #1 : “She’s 25, been active since she was 20, so that’s 20 in 5 years, which would be 4 guys a year. That’s not bad.

Guy #2: “Well, she lost her virginity at 20, so she started off slow, in the last year she had 10. That’s too much, she a hoe”

Guy #3: “20 and she’s 25!?! That nasty hoe! I’ve slept with 113 girls and none of them were that loose! And they were all cute!”

Guy #4: “She’s had 20 guys, who cares? Is she healthy?”

Guy #5: “Ok.. 20 is a lot. But! The bulk of them were in college so that’s ok. Awww but damn, that means when we go back to homecoming Ninja’s gonna be pointing and laughing at me. She’s a hoe!”

 

Why is it that we allow men to dissect our pasts like this? Even if a girl does ask a man’s number it doesn’t seem to probe this far.  Many men complain that a high number is expected of them, and anything else would show a lack of experience. Perhaps this is true. I know that between my friends and I, we do not care to know your number, or the nasty things you did with girls X, Y, and Z. All that matters to me are your sexual preferences, and your performance with me. I don’t want a prude and I want someone open to my likes and dislikes, and can teach and learn.  Now to be fair, some girls are just loose as hell. Over on the other blog, people talked about girls with 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 guys in one night. I aint never heard of no ish like that. If I knew those girls, I’d have an intervention with them. Holy water for days! LOL

Yet and still, I am really turned off by the fact that any girl can be deemed “ho-ish” at any man’s discretion. I don’t feel this affects me personally for plenty of reasons. Although I feel my numbers are relatively low compared to what some of my male friends have consistently declared as “too high” or “high enough” I am that girl that will refuse to answer this question. Someone mentioned before “if she will lie about this, what else is she lying about?” And I guess that’s fair. I, on the other hand, will simply tell you it is none of your business. Likewise I will not ask you, your business.  As long as you’re a healthy and you haven’t had sex with all my girlfriends, or my male best friend, I’m okay.

I think the sooner we start realizing what’s really most important, the sooner the marriage rate will go up.

So I ask dear readers: Am I way off base with this? Men, do you think this is fair? Women, are you tired of being reduced to mere numbers? Where do we go from here?

 

 

J “nickel between the legs” G* 

ok… so i was recently browsing through some of my friends pages in attempts to avoid doing the work in my house that i need to be doing and stumbled upon matt’s blog on women… his blog is on personal experiences with these 13 types of women to avoid… i thought it would be interesting to write a response to this, tho this is NOT and i repeat NOT based upon my personal experience only, rather adopted from other’s personal experiences… enjoy!

13 (or whatever # I can think of) Types of Men to Avoid
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Normal Norman is just that, pretty normal and quite bland. You meet him during the time that you think that you want to settle down with someone drama free. He has a job, went to college, and has no kids. But he has not dreams or aspirations on achieving more in life. He’s just kinda blah and content with life. He displays no kind of extreme emotion and has no style about him. If you end up sleeping with him, he’s the strictly missionary position kind of lover. Furthermore, the more you find yourself dealing with Norman, the less interesting you become too.
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Questionable Quentin is definitely hot! You notice some female tendencies but just write that off as him being metrosexual. He has great taste in shoes, likes to shop, and is great in bed! He can’t be gay right? But then you notice one night as you guys are doing the adult and he sticks his ass up in the air and wants u to lick and probe it. Screeeeeeech!!! An immediate turn off, u stop having sex with him and his love for shoes suddenly screams that he’s no longer just a normal, metrosexual guy, but he might be Down-Low Darryl’s lover too!!! You get out quick and try not to be swayed because he does eat some great coochie but then he could also give great head… Shudder…
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Donte the Dependent one starts out making you feel like the ultimate lady. He calls when he says he will, he shows up cause he was ‘in the neighborhood’, and he randomly sends flowers to your job. You love the attention and tell all ur girls that they need one of him. Then it comes time for you to chill wit ur girls and he wants to come. The first time it’s cool, but then it always happens and you realize that he never wants to hang out with his friends. Slowly, you’ve become the center of this man’s world. Whenever you want some alone time, he act’s brand new and has an attitude. By the end of this relationship, you want to jump off of a building in hopes that he would follow you there too! You gotta get out fast or you’ll go crazy!!!
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Charlie the cool guy has the greatest personality and you love hanging out with him, in private. See, Charlie might be able to play a mean chess game, make you scream his name in every different language possible, and watch the mushy chick flicks, but Charlie is f-ugly. You wouldn’t be seen with him in public but you love for him to come over. Because he lacks attractiveness, a swagger, and sexiness, you just can’t be seen with him. Too bad, this one had potential.
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Sam the sexaholic is your official booty call. You meet him at the club and a one night stand turns into every night. You just can’t get enough of him! He does everything perfect! Then you try and have a conversation with him and realize that the only head worth paying attention to is in his pants. Because booty calls don’t last forever, you end things once you decide that you want more then just great sex. This was when Normal Norman stepped in…Ugh…
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Maurece the Manipulator is the one who makes you think that he wants more then sex. He’s worldy… He like museums, wine tastings, working out, chess, and he’s great in bed. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the perfect and most desired woman in the world. When you’re with him, no one else exists. He lays the pipes down and it’s great. But then you realize that that’s all you guys do is have sex. There’s no more dates, going out… He just comes over and you guys bump uglies and that’s all. For awhile you’re content with this because you don’t want to lose one of the ‘greatest guys’ you’ve ever met but then you’re home gurls slap u with reality and say peace to your mr. perfect. This one’s kinda hard to get over… This is when you meet Charlie the cool guy… LOL..
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Paulie the Psycho is Donte the Dependent’s cousin, on a more dangerous level. He’s the one who goes through your phone while your asleep and calls all your old ‘friends’ and has the come over and have a pow-wow while you sleep and you wake up to all your old ass in your living room sharing ‘experiences’… If you’re a G (like me) you kick all they asses out cuz they came over without calling AND noone had breakfast ready when you woke up. But this is when it can get kinda scary cuz u get all up in Paulie’s face and he proceeds to shake the shit outta u… Then the stalking commences… Then your forced to get your brother to talk (or shoot) some sense into they asses… Scary…
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Ok ladies and gents, I’m gonna leave it here for now…

This is your task, men, post what kind of man you are (and if you’re bold, whether we ladies should avoid you or not) and ladies, post some of your men that you’ve met!

xoxo

ladebelle

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I know, I know. The first thing you’re thinking is “Lick It”. After that you’re thinking “I do lick it! Damn what else do you want!?” And I’ll say this: There are a million and one things that should be done outside of sticking ANYTHING (wang, tongue) in the honey pot. This post was inspired by a hilarious conversation between a friend and I, so I hope they feel special and leave a comment. 🙂 

So men…. You probably feel as though you’ve made great strides in the bedroom in the ways of pleasing women. You actually stop and kiss the top of the panties before you snatch them off, you spend a few minutes lapping at the water bowl, and you don’t immediately move into the “Jack Rabbit Thrust” upon entrance. But there are so many other things you have to consider before even making it to the bed. I know! This is complex! Why didn’t we tell you this from the start! Well look, we women are complex beings and our orgasm is akin to finding Oil in the middle of Texas. It’s the most precious natural resource in the world. If we gave you everything at once, you would be overwhelmed and both heads would more than likely implode. 

So, in the holiday spirit I will present to you another short list of things y’all can work on to improve performance and once this is mastered we will continue to teachings of the wise. Ladebelle mentioned things that we love about men, but here are things that men need to step their game up on. 

 

Smell. 

 

mmmmmm right there.

mmmmmm right there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love when a man smells good. I just wanna cuddle up all in his neck. I react to a good smelling man much like those crazy chicks on the Axe commercials. Maybe I really am crazy. So men, please do not come near me with the sexy face smelling like *Man*. That is not hot. And do some research. Go to Sephora, Don’t just grab the closest “Mystic Rain”, or “Mountain Fresh”, or “Sport” deodorant and think that’s going to be enough. I do not want my man smelling like trees, oudoors, or “Sport”. What the hell is Sport anyways? Why would that smell good? I have some favorite man scents, but those are well guarded. I don’t want someone trying to catch me off guard and run up on me all smellin’ all good and…… OK.. Sorry. *Phew* Tangent. So yes, take your “Au Natural” smellin’ selves to the mall and get it right. 

 

Hair. 

Y’all love to tell us to get our hair and nails done. Nevermind we have to drop at least $50 a trip and up to $100 on occasion. Well, at least this is the case for me. Then $35 every two weeks to get our nails done… I digress. A haircut costs like what? $15 at the most for a man? You have dreads, it’s definitely more, but you know better than to let Dreads get sour. So please, require the same thing of yourself. Wash your hair. It’s starting to smell like old milk. Do not think I want you kissing up my body, then I smell your salty ass hair, and you think it’s a green light. No Sir. Do not pass go, Do not collect $200. I will shampoo you myself. Do not try to produce waves in grass. Hunny, not everyone’s hair is hawaiian silky. This is a lesson some of us women need to learn too in regards to weave selections, but that’s another blog another day. So don’t spend all your morning in my bathroom, trying to wave up the kinky. Major turn off, and later on that night, you might be seeing my back if you see my bed at all. 

 

Cook for me.

Listen, I am a master chef. I throws down in the kitchen. I have been known to have men drop down on a knee to offer up their lives to me just to have me stand in their kitchens for the rest of our lives. (Feminists, calm down. I’m with the cause too.) I’ve had men drop THEIR drawers after a delightful meal, and I know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But listen closely. I learned how to cook this well because I love to eat. Eating makes me happy. It makes me much more happier when I didn’t cook it. When I cook, I taste test the whole way through. By the time I’m done, I don’t want to sit down and eat. So if you cook for me, you’ll have me rolling in post dining ecstasy and your chances of getting the goodies as dessert have just gone from 0-60 in a matter of seconds. If the food smells good while it’s cooking, we might actually have to step away from the oven for a few minutes. So make something that bakes, or stews, and doesn’t require constant attention. 

 

Give me a massage. 

massage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First of all, in order to give a massage there needs to be a certain level of nakedness. This is the perfect opportunity for you! I’ve had many a man ask me to give HIM one, but far less have offered first. A good massage tells me so much about you. You know the human body, you’re good with your hands, and you know when to apply the right amounts of pressure. Trust me, if this goes down well, it’s a wrap. Roger that, over and out, man down. Whew! Plus, while you’re sitting on my back, I’m mentally trying to capture the size of your magic wand….Seriously. I’m not joking. 🙂 

 

Well that should do it for now. 🙂 More to come later when y’all are ready. 

 

 

JG*