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Gather ’round ranters while I tell you a tale. It’s true, but names have been changed to protect everybody! It’s long but it’s so worth it. 

psycho

So a friend of mine (we’ll call her Beyonce) has a real cushy job. She does actually have work to do, but her projects pop up rarely, and she’s so good that she gets them done quick fast in a hurry and perfect. So she spends most of her time relaxing, surfing the net, and any other random things she can think to do. Her boss knows this, so it’s not an issue. Things were going well until…….. She* called. It was like any other call.

“Hello, may I speak to Jay? This is Ashanti”

Beyonce: “Sure hold on”…..”It’s Ashanti”….Boss answers, Bey goes about her business. 

This would happen daily to every other day. Bey kind of put together that Ashanti was the girlfriend, but she didn’t care. She thought it was funny because Jay is married, or separated, and he still be trying to tell the wifey what to do. She can hear him on the phone with her from her office. So weeks and months pass by and Bey starts to get the feeling that Ashanti might be kind of crazy. Sometimes she would hear her boss’s cell phone ringing off the hook and when he did answer, angry words were shared. When Ashanti would call the office, Jay would answer and hang up. 

Eventually, Bey’s concerns were confirmed. One day Ashanti called and angrily asked to speak to Jay. When Bey told Jay that Ashanti was on the line he directed her to lie and say he wasn’t there. When Bey did this Ashanti went wild. She accused Bey of lying and after a few bitter words she hung up. Bey was instantly surprised. This was none of her business and she was not happy being put in the middle of it. Jay apologized to Bey, and she thought that was it. Lo! It was not! Ashanti calls back and Bey is forced to tell her again. Ultimately Bey didn’t mind telling the crazy girl to effectively “Go sit down”. She has a cushy job and gets paid to do very little. No need to ruin it over drama that’s not even hers. After 4 or 5 more attempts Ashanti finally gave up for the day. 

But that wasn’t it. The next day, Bey answers the phone.

“Hello, may I please speak to Jay? This is Ashanti”…She says it like it’s not obvious and this road has never been  travelled before. 

Bey: “I’m sorry, he’s on the other line right now. Can I take a message?”

Craziness: I KNOW YOU’RE LYING! I DON’T CARE! I WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW!!!!!!

Bey: I’m sorry, he’ll call you back later, thank you!

Craziness: Listen Bey! I have a bottle of pills that I’m going to take! And when I kill myself it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Bey: *extremely freaked out* Hold please. Jay, Ashanti said she’s going to kill herself. Would you like to talk to her?

Jay: Nope, tell her I’m on the other line. 

Bey: He’s on the other line, Ashanti.

*click* 

Bey is now a little worried. Clearly she’s insane. A few hours go by and Bey thinks she’s in the clear. The phone rings, and her heart speeds up. 

*inaudible screaming, crying woman, snorting and yelling*: LET ME SPEAK TO JAY!!! 

Bey: ummmm what?

*inaudible screaming, crying woman, snorting and yelling*: LET ME SPEAK TO JAY!!!

Bey: *click* 

This goes on for a few weeks. Every other day or so, Ashanti calls, polite at first, then increasingly ruder. Jay continues to apologize and eventually places a restraining order against her. Things settle down. A few weeks later, Jay moves his office to his new townhome. He tells Bey, that her office will be on the first level, his on the second, and of course his living space will be on the third. Bey thinks to herself, it’s definitely an upgrade, but she hopes Ashanti is never stopping by. 

Moving day: They get to the new place and it’s beautiful. Bey’s set up is nice, secluded, and extra plush. The boss is out of her hair, and life is good. That is until Kelly stops by. Kelly is a rude sort of something, and she’s acting all crazy. Speeding up and down the street and acting a fool. She’s definitely irritable. Jay introduces her as Kelly, and Kelly barely looks at Bey. Bey is confused. Clearly Jay only messes with crazy chicks. She wonders if Ashanti knows about Kelly and vice versa. At the end of moving day, Kelly tells Jay she wants all three of them to have a conversation. Bey was with the telephone man when she overheard this request. Initially she thought “hell to the naw” but Jay tells her it’s ok and she goes to see what the deal is. 

Kelly wants Jay to apologize for telling Bey to lie for him. Jay does and Bey just stands there confused. She’s never taken a call from Kelly, only Ashanti. Who ARE this people? What’s going on!? 

It turns out, Kelly and Ashanti are the same person. She has two personalities and Kelly is the slightly more stable one. Jay is always complaining about this “crazy bitch” yet he’s still with her. Bey counted on her caller ID that Ashanti/Kelly calls the house approximately 57 times a day. Clearly, PSYCHO. 

So. What should I tell Bey to do? In this economy finding a new job is like believing Kelly/Ashanti will get it together. Impossible. Bey’s going to be leaving soon anyways. Should Bey talk to her boss or not since he’s clearly crazy too for being involved with the weirdo(s). Or should she leave it alone since no one has ever done anything to her (yet)?

Fin. 

Can’t wait to see these comments. 🙂 

*”She” is clearly the devil. 

P.S. Clearly this is Crazy Woman month. I believe this calls for a “Bitch, Breathe”