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Gather ’round ranters while I tell you a tale. It’s true, but names have been changed to protect everybody! It’s long but it’s so worth it. 

psycho

So a friend of mine (we’ll call her Beyonce) has a real cushy job. She does actually have work to do, but her projects pop up rarely, and she’s so good that she gets them done quick fast in a hurry and perfect. So she spends most of her time relaxing, surfing the net, and any other random things she can think to do. Her boss knows this, so it’s not an issue. Things were going well until…….. She* called. It was like any other call.

“Hello, may I speak to Jay? This is Ashanti”

Beyonce: “Sure hold on”…..”It’s Ashanti”….Boss answers, Bey goes about her business. 

This would happen daily to every other day. Bey kind of put together that Ashanti was the girlfriend, but she didn’t care. She thought it was funny because Jay is married, or separated, and he still be trying to tell the wifey what to do. She can hear him on the phone with her from her office. So weeks and months pass by and Bey starts to get the feeling that Ashanti might be kind of crazy. Sometimes she would hear her boss’s cell phone ringing off the hook and when he did answer, angry words were shared. When Ashanti would call the office, Jay would answer and hang up. 

Eventually, Bey’s concerns were confirmed. One day Ashanti called and angrily asked to speak to Jay. When Bey told Jay that Ashanti was on the line he directed her to lie and say he wasn’t there. When Bey did this Ashanti went wild. She accused Bey of lying and after a few bitter words she hung up. Bey was instantly surprised. This was none of her business and she was not happy being put in the middle of it. Jay apologized to Bey, and she thought that was it. Lo! It was not! Ashanti calls back and Bey is forced to tell her again. Ultimately Bey didn’t mind telling the crazy girl to effectively “Go sit down”. She has a cushy job and gets paid to do very little. No need to ruin it over drama that’s not even hers. After 4 or 5 more attempts Ashanti finally gave up for the day. 

But that wasn’t it. The next day, Bey answers the phone.

“Hello, may I please speak to Jay? This is Ashanti”…She says it like it’s not obvious and this road has never been  travelled before. 

Bey: “I’m sorry, he’s on the other line right now. Can I take a message?”

Craziness: I KNOW YOU’RE LYING! I DON’T CARE! I WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW!!!!!!

Bey: I’m sorry, he’ll call you back later, thank you!

Craziness: Listen Bey! I have a bottle of pills that I’m going to take! And when I kill myself it’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Bey: *extremely freaked out* Hold please. Jay, Ashanti said she’s going to kill herself. Would you like to talk to her?

Jay: Nope, tell her I’m on the other line. 

Bey: He’s on the other line, Ashanti.

*click* 

Bey is now a little worried. Clearly she’s insane. A few hours go by and Bey thinks she’s in the clear. The phone rings, and her heart speeds up. 

*inaudible screaming, crying woman, snorting and yelling*: LET ME SPEAK TO JAY!!! 

Bey: ummmm what?

*inaudible screaming, crying woman, snorting and yelling*: LET ME SPEAK TO JAY!!!

Bey: *click* 

This goes on for a few weeks. Every other day or so, Ashanti calls, polite at first, then increasingly ruder. Jay continues to apologize and eventually places a restraining order against her. Things settle down. A few weeks later, Jay moves his office to his new townhome. He tells Bey, that her office will be on the first level, his on the second, and of course his living space will be on the third. Bey thinks to herself, it’s definitely an upgrade, but she hopes Ashanti is never stopping by. 

Moving day: They get to the new place and it’s beautiful. Bey’s set up is nice, secluded, and extra plush. The boss is out of her hair, and life is good. That is until Kelly stops by. Kelly is a rude sort of something, and she’s acting all crazy. Speeding up and down the street and acting a fool. She’s definitely irritable. Jay introduces her as Kelly, and Kelly barely looks at Bey. Bey is confused. Clearly Jay only messes with crazy chicks. She wonders if Ashanti knows about Kelly and vice versa. At the end of moving day, Kelly tells Jay she wants all three of them to have a conversation. Bey was with the telephone man when she overheard this request. Initially she thought “hell to the naw” but Jay tells her it’s ok and she goes to see what the deal is. 

Kelly wants Jay to apologize for telling Bey to lie for him. Jay does and Bey just stands there confused. She’s never taken a call from Kelly, only Ashanti. Who ARE this people? What’s going on!? 

It turns out, Kelly and Ashanti are the same person. She has two personalities and Kelly is the slightly more stable one. Jay is always complaining about this “crazy bitch” yet he’s still with her. Bey counted on her caller ID that Ashanti/Kelly calls the house approximately 57 times a day. Clearly, PSYCHO. 

So. What should I tell Bey to do? In this economy finding a new job is like believing Kelly/Ashanti will get it together. Impossible. Bey’s going to be leaving soon anyways. Should Bey talk to her boss or not since he’s clearly crazy too for being involved with the weirdo(s). Or should she leave it alone since no one has ever done anything to her (yet)?

Fin. 

Can’t wait to see these comments. 🙂 

*”She” is clearly the devil. 

P.S. Clearly this is Crazy Woman month. I believe this calls for a “Bitch, Breathe”

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**sorry for the late post peoples!**

in light of some movies and some real life shit, i’ve been doing some thinking on the state of women in the world today. i was talking to a friend last night about how women are really crazy. (i did move on to how maybe it’s just people in general who are crazy but that’s a different post for a different day) as a woman, i find this horribly disturbing the fact that women go to the lengths of the crazy that they do because of a man. 

 

i mean, really?

i mean, really?

 

 

i think that at the root of all this craziness is the “i need a man” syndrome. ladies, i think most of us have been here before. it looks something like this… you’re single and fly (or not) and you feel as though your relationship status should change. that’s when you hit ALL your friends with the “i need a man” whine whenever you talk to them. you think that you need a man to take you out, snuggle with after hitting that spot the right way, and have those late night chats with till 5am knowing you have to be to work at 8am.

so then some poor blind guy finally falls into your trap and now you have a man. he’s hitting that spot like every single nite taking you out, you guys are making googly eyes at each other, talking late nites and all the love songs are about him. then something happens. he is caught stroking someone else’s kitty breaks up with you or decides things are moving too fast or whatever lame excuse that guys come up with. either way, the dynamics of your relationship have come to an abrupt stop. 

this is when the crazy needy women allow their inner crazy to come out and grace the world with their presence. next thing you know, you’re setting his mattress on fire as he sleeps or “busting windows out his car”. you are now certifiably crazy. and it’s not because he’s a dog or ain’t shit, it’s because you are slap crazy! things started out wrong from jumpstreet because of this incessant “i need a man” sydrome. 

ladies, let’s do something different in 2009. not only have men made it clear that they don’t want a woman who suffers from the “i need a man” syndrome with multiple songs like “independent woman”, “trading places”, “she got her own”, but let’s do it for ourselves. plus, i know as a woman, i can’t be kickin it wit no crazy ladies cuz if she’ll go crazy on him, that means she’s liable to flip out on me too… gotta pass on that…  

 

xoxo

ladebelle (aka let’s give up crazy in 09)

ok… so i was recently browsing through some of my friends pages in attempts to avoid doing the work in my house that i need to be doing and stumbled upon matt’s blog on women… his blog is on personal experiences with these 13 types of women to avoid… i thought it would be interesting to write a response to this, tho this is NOT and i repeat NOT based upon my personal experience only, rather adopted from other’s personal experiences… enjoy!

13 (or whatever # I can think of) Types of Men to Avoid
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Normal Norman is just that, pretty normal and quite bland. You meet him during the time that you think that you want to settle down with someone drama free. He has a job, went to college, and has no kids. But he has not dreams or aspirations on achieving more in life. He’s just kinda blah and content with life. He displays no kind of extreme emotion and has no style about him. If you end up sleeping with him, he’s the strictly missionary position kind of lover. Furthermore, the more you find yourself dealing with Norman, the less interesting you become too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Questionable Quentin is definitely hot! You notice some female tendencies but just write that off as him being metrosexual. He has great taste in shoes, likes to shop, and is great in bed! He can’t be gay right? But then you notice one night as you guys are doing the adult and he sticks his ass up in the air and wants u to lick and probe it. Screeeeeeech!!! An immediate turn off, u stop having sex with him and his love for shoes suddenly screams that he’s no longer just a normal, metrosexual guy, but he might be Down-Low Darryl’s lover too!!! You get out quick and try not to be swayed because he does eat some great coochie but then he could also give great head… Shudder…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donte the Dependent one starts out making you feel like the ultimate lady. He calls when he says he will, he shows up cause he was ‘in the neighborhood’, and he randomly sends flowers to your job. You love the attention and tell all ur girls that they need one of him. Then it comes time for you to chill wit ur girls and he wants to come. The first time it’s cool, but then it always happens and you realize that he never wants to hang out with his friends. Slowly, you’ve become the center of this man’s world. Whenever you want some alone time, he act’s brand new and has an attitude. By the end of this relationship, you want to jump off of a building in hopes that he would follow you there too! You gotta get out fast or you’ll go crazy!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charlie the cool guy has the greatest personality and you love hanging out with him, in private. See, Charlie might be able to play a mean chess game, make you scream his name in every different language possible, and watch the mushy chick flicks, but Charlie is f-ugly. You wouldn’t be seen with him in public but you love for him to come over. Because he lacks attractiveness, a swagger, and sexiness, you just can’t be seen with him. Too bad, this one had potential.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam the sexaholic is your official booty call. You meet him at the club and a one night stand turns into every night. You just can’t get enough of him! He does everything perfect! Then you try and have a conversation with him and realize that the only head worth paying attention to is in his pants. Because booty calls don’t last forever, you end things once you decide that you want more then just great sex. This was when Normal Norman stepped in…Ugh…
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Maurece the Manipulator is the one who makes you think that he wants more then sex. He’s worldy… He like museums, wine tastings, working out, chess, and he’s great in bed. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the perfect and most desired woman in the world. When you’re with him, no one else exists. He lays the pipes down and it’s great. But then you realize that that’s all you guys do is have sex. There’s no more dates, going out… He just comes over and you guys bump uglies and that’s all. For awhile you’re content with this because you don’t want to lose one of the ‘greatest guys’ you’ve ever met but then you’re home gurls slap u with reality and say peace to your mr. perfect. This one’s kinda hard to get over… This is when you meet Charlie the cool guy… LOL..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paulie the Psycho is Donte the Dependent’s cousin, on a more dangerous level. He’s the one who goes through your phone while your asleep and calls all your old ‘friends’ and has the come over and have a pow-wow while you sleep and you wake up to all your old ass in your living room sharing ‘experiences’… If you’re a G (like me) you kick all they asses out cuz they came over without calling AND noone had breakfast ready when you woke up. But this is when it can get kinda scary cuz u get all up in Paulie’s face and he proceeds to shake the shit outta u… Then the stalking commences… Then your forced to get your brother to talk (or shoot) some sense into they asses… Scary…
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Ok ladies and gents, I’m gonna leave it here for now…

This is your task, men, post what kind of man you are (and if you’re bold, whether we ladies should avoid you or not) and ladies, post some of your men that you’ve met!

xoxo

ladebelle

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I know, I know. The first thing you’re thinking is “Lick It”. After that you’re thinking “I do lick it! Damn what else do you want!?” And I’ll say this: There are a million and one things that should be done outside of sticking ANYTHING (wang, tongue) in the honey pot. This post was inspired by a hilarious conversation between a friend and I, so I hope they feel special and leave a comment. 🙂 

So men…. You probably feel as though you’ve made great strides in the bedroom in the ways of pleasing women. You actually stop and kiss the top of the panties before you snatch them off, you spend a few minutes lapping at the water bowl, and you don’t immediately move into the “Jack Rabbit Thrust” upon entrance. But there are so many other things you have to consider before even making it to the bed. I know! This is complex! Why didn’t we tell you this from the start! Well look, we women are complex beings and our orgasm is akin to finding Oil in the middle of Texas. It’s the most precious natural resource in the world. If we gave you everything at once, you would be overwhelmed and both heads would more than likely implode. 

So, in the holiday spirit I will present to you another short list of things y’all can work on to improve performance and once this is mastered we will continue to teachings of the wise. Ladebelle mentioned things that we love about men, but here are things that men need to step their game up on. 

 

Smell. 

 

mmmmmm right there.

mmmmmm right there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love when a man smells good. I just wanna cuddle up all in his neck. I react to a good smelling man much like those crazy chicks on the Axe commercials. Maybe I really am crazy. So men, please do not come near me with the sexy face smelling like *Man*. That is not hot. And do some research. Go to Sephora, Don’t just grab the closest “Mystic Rain”, or “Mountain Fresh”, or “Sport” deodorant and think that’s going to be enough. I do not want my man smelling like trees, oudoors, or “Sport”. What the hell is Sport anyways? Why would that smell good? I have some favorite man scents, but those are well guarded. I don’t want someone trying to catch me off guard and run up on me all smellin’ all good and…… OK.. Sorry. *Phew* Tangent. So yes, take your “Au Natural” smellin’ selves to the mall and get it right. 

 

Hair. 

Y’all love to tell us to get our hair and nails done. Nevermind we have to drop at least $50 a trip and up to $100 on occasion. Well, at least this is the case for me. Then $35 every two weeks to get our nails done… I digress. A haircut costs like what? $15 at the most for a man? You have dreads, it’s definitely more, but you know better than to let Dreads get sour. So please, require the same thing of yourself. Wash your hair. It’s starting to smell like old milk. Do not think I want you kissing up my body, then I smell your salty ass hair, and you think it’s a green light. No Sir. Do not pass go, Do not collect $200. I will shampoo you myself. Do not try to produce waves in grass. Hunny, not everyone’s hair is hawaiian silky. This is a lesson some of us women need to learn too in regards to weave selections, but that’s another blog another day. So don’t spend all your morning in my bathroom, trying to wave up the kinky. Major turn off, and later on that night, you might be seeing my back if you see my bed at all. 

 

Cook for me.

Listen, I am a master chef. I throws down in the kitchen. I have been known to have men drop down on a knee to offer up their lives to me just to have me stand in their kitchens for the rest of our lives. (Feminists, calm down. I’m with the cause too.) I’ve had men drop THEIR drawers after a delightful meal, and I know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But listen closely. I learned how to cook this well because I love to eat. Eating makes me happy. It makes me much more happier when I didn’t cook it. When I cook, I taste test the whole way through. By the time I’m done, I don’t want to sit down and eat. So if you cook for me, you’ll have me rolling in post dining ecstasy and your chances of getting the goodies as dessert have just gone from 0-60 in a matter of seconds. If the food smells good while it’s cooking, we might actually have to step away from the oven for a few minutes. So make something that bakes, or stews, and doesn’t require constant attention. 

 

Give me a massage. 

massage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First of all, in order to give a massage there needs to be a certain level of nakedness. This is the perfect opportunity for you! I’ve had many a man ask me to give HIM one, but far less have offered first. A good massage tells me so much about you. You know the human body, you’re good with your hands, and you know when to apply the right amounts of pressure. Trust me, if this goes down well, it’s a wrap. Roger that, over and out, man down. Whew! Plus, while you’re sitting on my back, I’m mentally trying to capture the size of your magic wand….Seriously. I’m not joking. 🙂 

 

Well that should do it for now. 🙂 More to come later when y’all are ready. 

 

 

JG*

 

Watch out.. Crazy bitch here! LOL

Watch out.. Crazy bitch here! LOL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So recently I was told by one of my ex’s who I’m still really close to that I’m crazy. It went like this: 

 

Me: You know what? I need to realize that just like you date crazy girls, I think I like crazy guys.

Him: There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you recognize you’re one of the crazy girls. 

Me: *looking around* (Even though we were chatting online) Me!? I am!?

Him: Yes. When I tell girls about my crazy exes, you’re one of the stories. 

Me: Wow! But I mean. I’m not like… crazy crazy. Bust the windows out ya car crazy!? 

Him: No…. but you’re crazy in the head. 

That’s how it went. It took me about 20 minutes to digest it. Then he hit me with: 

Him: Well… I always end the story with “but she’s really sweet and awesome and we’re still really close.” 

 

So what does that mean? I’m that sweet awesome girl who will freak-the-hell-out on you and have you tellin stories about me for years? Ok maybe not years. I might be giving myself too much credit on that one. But I am JG* and I do have that effect on people. 

So yea*. I found out last week that I’m crazy. I kinda feel like it’s a badge of honor. You know Kanye said (review coming soon!!!) “Shawty kinda crazy but it turn me on” so you know it must be a good thing if the Good Mr. West said it. 

I’m kinda excited. Like I feel like this is a big step in my love life. Guys LOVE a crazy bitch. It plays into their ego or something. They get off thinking to themselves “I made that bitch crazy. Yea!!! I got that make a bitch crazy wang!” So what if you aren’t the guy that did it? Are you then like “I got a crazy bitch. I’m gonna tame her! Yea!!! I got that tame a crazy bitch wang!” I think it all goes back to their wangs. 

Sex must be better with a crazy girl. You know. Get her all riled up and then she’s actin all crazy and the guy just swoops in with his personal calming device. But it’s that crazy/beautiful sex. That Mr & Mrs. Smith kickin-yo-ass-then-stickin-it-in sex.  You break a few things around the house, and you get all scratched up and afterwards you’re like “damn you’re crazy!” but it was worth it. 

So yea* with all that being said, I’m embracing my crazy. I’m getting closer to 25 and I think this is a step in the right direction. So if you’re feeling like your love life just isn’t where it needs to be. Go crazy. Your type of crazy may vary, but just do it! I’m telling you! It works. I tell guys sometimes that I’m crazy, and they love it! I wish I would have gone crazy a long time ago! 

 

EMBRACE IT! 

 

This shit is real crazy. But he embraced it!

This shit is real crazy. But he embraced it!

 

JG*