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Behind Closed Doors is going to be a weekly “column” of mine dealing strictly with sex and relationships from my own experiences, my friend’s, and just other observations through conversations or stories that have been passed down. Enjoy. 🙂 


Is the Sex enough?

No girl wants to admit it because sometimes we don’t notice it. We use sex to get our way. That’s why make up sex is so effective. An ex of mine and I used to have this rule: If after an argument we have sex, the argument is dead and moot. There is no bring it back up, the sex has resolved all issues. But did it really? It’s like a transfer of power. Men always want to say that we control all of the power. The power of the P-Pie (as my uncle calls it), the Nonny, the Cookie, whatever you want to call it. Any gentleman will tell you that he proceeds with only the highest level of caution towards the honey pot, and only at the behest of a willing lady. However, women end up with the caught feelings, the parading around in our most scandalous of scantily-clad skivvies, and in the end the strongest heartbreak. Why is that? It’s because while we ladies have the lock, the men have the key and they know that we’ll do anything to keep it if it fits. 

Let me give you some examples of the point I’m attempting to illustrate.

I was reading another blog once and the author mentioned how it’s hard for men to break up with women. The main reason? Because make-up sex is so damn good. The man goes in to end it, she starts crying, the good head game comes out, and it’s a wrap. Dwele mentioned this power of persuasion in his song Shady:she followed it up with head shots called fellatio/ She found my weakness that shady mother f*er…” So is the sex enough? The problem is I don’t think it is. In this case, the man no longer wants to be in the situation, but the woman uses the power of ultimate man-confusion and he’s down for the count not thinking clearly. The dust will settle, and out hearts will pay for it. 

Erykah Badu (congrats on the new baby. It was wild seeing her tweet during labor) sang in Green Eyes/Too Late: “just make love to me/ just one more time and then you’ll see/ I can’t believe I made a desperate plea/ what’s with me?”

But we do this. We think the sex is enough. We think if he will feel us just that one last time, it’ll be enough to convince him that the good times are far better than the bad times, and that they are right around the corner again. I’m sorry ladies but it’s true and it happens. Maybe you’ve grown out of it and you’re better for it, maybe you still do it without thinking. I’m not talking about the women who use sex for money or what have you even though in the Dwele song, she was clearly shady. I’m talking about how sometimes we put our hearts on our Nonny’s thinking that it’ll be easier for him to catch it if it’s there. 

Tough lesson to learn I guess, but you soon realize that a man will never say no to vagina, especially one he’s familiar and comfortable with. Even it means letting you think for a little while that he’s there to stay. We gotta get better at spotting the real from the fake. Is it possible? Is abstinence the only way? Do we have to surpress our desires and urges just to keep our hearts intact? Or can we learn to play his games too?








  1. Women play plenty games, and when you remove the sex from a situation you are able to see past the forest for the trees. Sex cloud your judgement. Well he SAID he was gonna start looking for a job next week, and I CAN pay all my bills on my own, I guess it’s ok if he keeps staying here and not contributing to the household. (that’s the response when your letting the KRYPTONITE d*ck hit the base of your vagina)
    However without the sex it may go something like this:NI**A GET OUT!


  2. Sex is not enough to solve other problems or “make up” after an argument that has some real substance to it. It’s like painkillers for a broken leg…. eventually it’s going to wear of, and you’re still stuck with a hurt, busted up leg. Eventually that old problem is going to resurface…. with a vengance. Can’t keep salving them with sex forever.

  3. I personally have been fooled by the okie doke that is sex. I was mad, packing my stuff, about to head home … then I got pushed on the couch and she spoke her apology into the microphone … then I completely forgot why I was mad … so weak.

    I am glad that someone is finally realizing that this is a bandaid quick fix … and not the answer. Stop doing it!

  4. Normal harmless relationship disagreements that end in make up sex are perfectly fine with me. Especially if we can laugh at “our” ignorance later and completely leave the BS behind. Maybe the problem is over or too petty to continue to address. However, like most people I know the next time there is a fight alllllll the past junk comes back up. Not necessary because it was never resolved; somebody just didn’t let it go. While sex is not the end all be all; affection is a solid way to confirm/affirm a couples bond and connection.

    On the other hand, if sex is being used as a band aid to hold the crack in a damn well then we understand that that is the recipe for disaster. The problem is that all too often when couples fight we spend way too much time proving who’s wrong and who’s right instead of focusing in on what’s wrong and what’s right.

  5. That’s why its good to have checks and balances with yourself, and not assume that the other person has your best interests at heart. Especially when the monkey session is an all consuming gaterade. It’s also the reason I love the question “What do you want?” Or straight up saying “The couchie is good, but I don’t know if I feel you like that”. You might get a funny look or the “did this ninja just say that?” face. But it’s on the table…Either gotta have the checks and balance conversation. IMHO…

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