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yes folks, ladebelle’s life was in fact threatened by a now ex. it’s this statement coupled with a conversation with the incredible slim jackson that lead to the writing of this blog and need for your feedback.

summary of slim and i’s conversation:

we were chatting about last weeks “i need a man” syndrome post and i brought up how my ex had told me that he would kill me if i ever cheated on him (and this was one of the reasons that lead to the ultimate demise of our relationship). slim’s response was that that made sense. and naturally i’m like, “oh wise slim, how in hades does that make sense?” slim tells me that men’s reactions to women cheating on them is more extreme then a man cheating on a woman and that women will most likely take the cheating man back. i thought about this and spewed some pro-woman speech and society and blah blah blah… something like this:

i think that society grooms women to be docile creatures and accepting of men’s trifling ass behavior. women are taught to be happy with just having a man period–even if that means settling for a sub-par man. and this is bullshit

hence the birth of this specific blog.

the cheaters…

i think that it’s a known fact that both men and women cheat. men suck at it and women are more calculated. but why do they cheat?

research shows that these are the top 6 reasons for why men cheat:

  1. she ain’t what she used to be
  2. she nags too much
  3. the thrill of doing something they aren’t supposed to be doing
  4. they just want to because they think they’re missing something or they settled down too early
  5. it’s “biology” (i’d like to represent that i think this right here is bullshit)
  6. it’s just sex

ok… so now for women’s top 6 reasons:

  1. familiarity breeds indifference or we just don’t feel appreciated
  2. you’re leading parallel lives and spending less time together
  3. the passion has fizzled
  4. the fantasy has fizzled
  5. your ego needs a boost
  6. it’s payback for his cheating

i think that cheating is a result of something missing in the relationship period.

what do you do?

so now someone has cheated. what are the responses?

men, do you go crazy and kill her? do you choke her out ike-style? or do you like mario winans (i think that’s who the song is by) and you want your woman to keep it on the low?

women, do you get lorena-bobbit on that ass or are you more like hillary clinton? are you publicly supporting him for cheating with a crazy transvestite while silently plotting against him? or do you simply pack your shit and go?

let’s talk about it!


ladebelle (aka i’m happy i’m still alive)


at this time i would like to point out that there are more songs by women going crazy over a male cheating on them then there are songs by men going crazy.


  1. There is such a double standard when it comes to infidelity between men and women. a woman i knew was getting married and at her reception her mother and aunties pulled her aside and gave her a ‘just because you’re married now, doesn’t mean he’s yours speech’…on her wedding day! so she started off accepting that her husband was going to cheat on her, which he did repeatedly until she couldn’t take it anymore. sadly, she’s not the only woman who has been taught ‘that’s just what men do.’
    all of that is nonsense. i know women who struggle to be faithful just as i know men who know how to keep it in their pants. if i can do it, you can do it.
    however, we are all human. i expect forgiveness as much as i dole it out. so, it all depends on the circumstance. some indiscretions can be looked over (i.e., you slipped up one time), some are “get out immediately!!!” (i.e., you got folks all over town and/or you just lie to my face repeatedly).
    As for the reasons women cheat, men need to seriously focus on #1. Keep telling your woman she’s beautiful and show her that you love her all the time, not just in the beginning! some women need that affirmation and if she’s not getting the attention from you, there are men who will! (not a justification, i’m just saying…)

  2. I’m in the mood to be slightly rude. Honestly. Cuz I have never cheated, and the one time I knew I was going to, I broke up with my bf at the time because OBVIOUSLY if I loved him, I wouldn’t be plotting to cheat. Men love to say “just because I cheat don’t mean I don’t love you.” Pause. Yes it does. Because while I understand all those 6 reasons, and it’s just sex, and you can disconnect the two, blah blah blah. If you LOVED me, you would fight that temptation. If you LOVED me, you wouldn’t risk putting me through that pain. I know I wouldn’t.

    For a man to be like “I would kill you….” I would say to him, “ok… and your a bitch.” The fact that men choose this one thing to be overly emotional over, pisses me off. Especially when it’s the one thing they expect forgiveness on for themselves. *sigh*

    Ok…. I’m done. Thanks ladebelle. Got my blood pressure up.

  3. Ok I agree if u need to cheat or u feel apart from that person just leave. don’t hang on for the sake of hanging on just to have someone

    “my d*ck just fell in her p**sy I don’t know how!” yea for real?

    I use to say what I don’t know won’t hurt me. and the fact of the matter is that to me being married changes the game. I take till death do us part so seriously that I don’t think I would leave my husband if he cheated, once. but ur just gonna keep doing me dirty and think I’m a be cool with it.
    and I don’t want the kind of relationship where I do me and u do u and occasionally we do each other.

    do two wrongs make it right?.
    or even as he**??

    • @savvy… not sure if i can say anything here other then i agree with your stance and that shit is super fucked up about ur friend… smh…

      @JG*… breathe!!! lol…

      @akua… lmao@“my d*ck just fell in her p**sy I don’t know how!” yea for real? hysterical… and that’s a really good point about the 2-wrongs not making a right. at some point someone’s gotta be the mature one.

  4. @Akua: I feel you. I take ’till death do us part seriously. BUT my Bible says that infidelity will break the spiritual union and allow for a “spiritual divorce” if you will.

  5. Women are more calculated about their cheating? I completely agree. I think women are calculated about everything when it comes to actions that could cause all sorts of pain and aches and emotions in a man. I will never forgive a woman for cheating. Once someone else slips in them walls, it’s done. No get out of jail free card….actually, I may need one to get me out of jail…

    • Sleepless in Atlanta
    • Posted January 27, 2009 at 9:59 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    Well, Imma stay annyomous on this one. But I’m a WOMAN. And my first real relationship I ever had (a senior in highschool) I CHEATED on my boyfriend and I did love him with all my heart. I mean, you can call it puppy love or whatever, but I cheated purely out of lust and missing having him around. (My BF at the time was deployed in Afganistan) The guilt ATE me alive and I eventually confessed which abrubtly ended our 2-year relationship. I was devasted. Because the guy I had cheated on him with—really was JUST sex. And though it was good sex (my evil smile) I knew that he wasn’t someone I would ever truly love. Well—I went off to college and me and my ex tried to work things out. He even PROPOSED to me. And I turned him down, because by then—I was aware of my ways and I was just starting to uderstand what I wanted from a relationship. I also started sleeping around/causal flings, so I KNEW better than to try and marry this great guy. I had issues. But I knew I did. And 6+ years later, my ex is married with children. And I’m still single, searching for my own right to happiness. The moral of my story is—cheating exists in both men and women. And women don’t always cheat because their relationship is rocky. Sometimes, it’s IN THEM to be UNFAITHFUL TOO. Because of how they were raised and what they saw as a child. Not making excuses, because as a WOMAN now, I am accountable for my actions. But that is why I am still single, because I dont know if I could be faithful to ONE man—until I feel that it’s my time to be. And I don’t force that.

  6. Ok…if you check over on my blog today you can obviously see that I cheated. The thing is…I was much more calculated now. It made sense to him that I would be out doing me. Thing is though, I think women can be more forgiving (a la Mrs. Clinton) because we think of cheating as more emotional and to be quite honest we just want the man’s heart.

    “A man always wishes to be a woman’s first lover, while a women always wishes to be a man’s last romance”

  7. *diclaimer* before i start i want to say that cheating is wrong. i cant defend a wrong, cant justify it, but shit, it is what it is.

    “her pussy curves to my dick” these are the infamous words morris chestnut said in defense of his relationship, when infidelity was brought up, in the movie best man. this is the belief/feeling of most men, when it comes to their wifey. ask any man, if he thinks his wifey is/could ever/would ever/ cheat on him, and 9 times out of ten his answer is gone be hell no. when we “committ” as men we are blind to the fact that we could be cheated on. ignorant even. its funny cause me and my partners had this convo the other day. we all had, had sex with woman who were in committed relationships, and they boyfriend had no clue. some lasted a short time, some went on for ages. and me being me, i asked these niggas, if you think yo girl would step out??? and like the harlem boys choir, everybody at once said “FUCK NO, ILL KILL THAT BITCH!!! as men, we set ourseleves up for failure, and heart break, when we get into a relationship. we do, what women try not to, or what they are scraed of doing(for good reason im sure) and thats where our hearts on our sleeve, open up our hearts. regardless of how that man shows his emotion, or acts in the relationship, to him, you can do no wrong. he is your one and only, your everything. when we enter a relationship, we know aint no way in hell, she gone step out. “im king ding-a-ling, im the king, she love my dirty drawls” you chose me, i chose you, thats my pussy!!!! this is our mindset. while woman(not all but most) go in thinking(if only just a lil bit) thats its a possibilty that this nigga gone fuck up one day. you prepare yourself for that emotional let down. it dont make it hurt any less, but you are mentally prepared. thats why niggas got to “prove” themselves now, and break down all kinda emotional walls, before the idea of a relationship is even explored. but i digress…..women, when that man committs, you are now on a pedestal next to his mama. your held in that high of regard. and you know how much we love our mama!! and also your his, love it or hate it, to us, you are our most prized possession. if we could send ya’ll out with a name tag that said…. you are now property of……..!!! we would do that shit. we are men, we really aint no different from male animals of the wild, in the fact that we are territorial & possessive. thats why in Africa, when a woman gets raped, she is often disowned by her spouse, cause his property was tampered with, she was violated by another man. and this is the extreme of situatios. and not to compare the two situations…but thats how men feel when they get cheated on. the emotional crash for a man, when he is cheated on is great. we cant look at you the same, we feel disgusted. we arent built to handle such heart ache and pain. you know, real men dont cry, laugh now, cry later, man-up. we are not the emotional creatures that woman are. we feel violated when another man, takes or has, or tastes, what is ours. again, we dont know how to handle such negative emotions. so we get angry, we threaten to kill, we stalk, we go fuckin crazy, b/c we dont know what else to do. and im in no way, takin away from the heart ace and pain that woman feels when she gets cheated on. yall hurt too. my point is, you handle it better. you can bounce back, or deal wit it, turn a cheek, or jus walk away. we cant!!! we cant come up from the depths of the emotional pits. cuase thats what it is. aint that how it feels when you get cheated on?and its a double standard b/c men & women different. our new age way of thinking wants to put us on a even scale, which is fine. but we also have to know that there are alot of instances where we cant be even, or where you cant expect the same reaction.
    why men cheat, is for another blog, another time, but i hope ive shed some light on why a nigga may be ready to kill somebody after he’s been cheated on. and to be honest, it aint no songs about, niggas going crazy, but its damn sho songs about, “girls leaving they man at the house to go creep, amd leave all that love shit to yo man!!!!!!!! im just saying

  8. @jgeezy14: u are right but I’d also like to think there is nothing we can’t get through without Gods help.

    @anon: we all learn from our past and now that u are older u have a better perspective on what it is u want out of a relationship. so he’s the one that got away. the bible says he that findeth himself a wife findeth himself a good thing and favor in the lord, however it says the woman has the option to choose whom she wishes to marry.

    you know your self much better now. stay your course.

    ps. hindsight is 20/20 like a mutha f*cker…

  9. @mufasa: i think its absurd to assume that women can ‘handle it better’. i know plenty of women who have been forever scarred by a cheating man and carry that baggage around from relationship to relationship and therefore crippling her ability to have a healthy relationship. just because some women grin and bear it does not mean that she is not feeling emotionally turbulent inside!
    she may be feeling torn up inside, but chooses to ‘bounce back’ and ‘deal with it’ really only because she may be afraid to be alone and lose their man even if he is creeping with sue, sally, and joan.
    its simple mathematics. i theorize that becuase there are so many intelligent, successful, beautiful black women and the pool of eligible black men is somewhat less, some women feel that they have to put up with bad behavior because we have less to choose from. but i digress…
    women feel the same agony that a man may feel when his cheats on him. especially if he’s doing it right!!! the thought of someone else getting that same special treatment is enough to make me go nuts! the pain that a cheating lover causes does not discriminate based on gender. to somehow figure that men are more hurt by infidelity is faulty.

  10. @ SAVANNAH….i said throughout, that i was in no way taking away from the pain that woman feel when they get cheated on. what i was saying, is that woman have the ability to deal with those dispplace emotions better then men. it still hurts, and its still fucked up. emitionally woman have options, they can go or stay. if they take the crying nigga back, or if they kick him to the curb, that is what the MAJORITY of women debate, when they get cheated on. when a nigga get cheated on, its one option, for the MAJORITY, and thats to kick rocks. and its like that. b.c we cant deal with those type of emotions. we would rather, get away from the situation then deal with it. its the difference of men and woman. we handle all kind of emotional situatins differently… a man, we may not cry at a funeral, but if we lose the championship game, we sobbing like babies. whenit comes to men, women, and emotions, it like comparing apples and oranges.

  11. @Mufasa: please check out my other blog. You mentioned the rape situation in Africa.

    I have so much to say, but my poor fingers won’t type it all. LOL

  12. MUFASA: well, maybe the ‘majority’ of you all should grow up, not be emotional babies, and recognize the age-old golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated. if women can handle our emotions in a civilized and logical manner, you can too. just don’t give yourself the excuse of ‘i’m a man.’ this type of assumption is dangerous because it excuses you of your own accountibility when it comes to sensitivity, forgiveness, etc. as i said before, emotions know no gender and i do agree with you in that we react to things differently. but thankfully, for you, this is not an innate, biological function. this double standard has been shaped by society for many, many years. BUT, even with that said, you still have the wonderful option of choosing a different approach to how you think about men and women and emotions and how that manifests in your life. learn from women and you too can develop the ‘ability to deal with emotions.’ you can do it too! Yes You Can!

  13. @ SAVANNAH lmao. you are a trip. again cheating is wrong. itll never be ok to cheat. but when it does happen, i would respectfully disagree in saying that it is an innate, biological function. hence the words masculinity and femininity. estorgen and testerone. didnt pay all that attention is biology, but i know fa sho, that has something to do with how we deal with emotions. and although emotion knows no gender, would you like a nigga wit female emotions?? nope. cause yall want a mans, ma right?? for the most part that is. cause if a man, shows female emotions, what we call him….gay, or a punk!!!! point blank. so lets be honest, and call a spade, a spade here. the fact that we would have “learn” from woman, shows jus how innate it is;)

  14. i definitely am not saying that i want a man to act like a woman… i like the rough and rugged type of guy, but let me ask you this: is it feminine to be reasonable? you can’t be masculine and forgive at the same time?
    thanks for the biology lesson by the way…

  15. Umm, that sleepless in atlanta comment is brutally and recklessly honest. I may recycle that whole comment and give credit to this

  16. i’ve been told i’d be killed also, if i cheated. cheating hurts men to the core. i think as women, we accept their stuff more. but we are also stronger creatures [in some ways]. we are naturally nurturing, forgiving, all of that. we love and love hard. until we’ve had enough. men, what kills them is imagining the one they love in bed with another man. it’s an ego thing. it hurts them to the core. no to excuse men. just to get an understanding of what we’re dealing with.

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