I really needed a reason to use that song. LOL I love love love me some Pharrell and by default in this song, I love Usher.
This is going to be part of a multi-post discussion of some ideas. I’d love to get you guy’s feedback to make future posts on this topic more conducive to what you all want to talk about.
So as humans, we all have the desire to meet someone we’re attracted to, get to know them, marry, and mate. That can be in any order obviously. While this seems like an easy enough concept, it has proven itself to be quite difficult actually. Especially in this day and age. It seems the economy isn’t the only thing in a recession. What I want to talk about however is the role sex plays in relationships. Specifically for this post I want to talk about the role a woman’s sexuality plays into relationships.
This is partially inspired by the Jump Off vs. Friends with Benefits conversation we had over at Single Black Male, but really it’s a thought that I’ve seen many women secretly whisper about. It seems that to a certain extent black women are experiencing our own sexual revolution. Feminism to a certain extent left us in the dust, so we’re just now learning to love and be okay with our sensuality. Or we really? I watch Sex and The City, and I marvel at how these women were sexual, and open about their sexuality. They did things and spoke about things in a way that just made it seem normal and quite alright. Conversations among black women don’t go that way without anyone observing considering them “Whorish”. Of course, we talk to our girlfriends about our sexual escapades but the feeling is definitely different. Here’s why: Our sexual experiences are different. This is especially true for the Professional Black Woman.
I’ve had many conversations with men about how they want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed. We’ve all heard that saying. To them, Wifey will be the pillar of the community, independent, yet secure enough to let the man be the man, and able to make his toes curl at night. Wonderful. That sounds great to me. So then tell me why have I observed this: A man meets a wonderfule woman. She’s a PBW, educated, socially aware, sweet, the kind of girl you bring home to mom, and make her the mother of your children. They date, enjoy great conversations, and then it’s time to get the business done. First go around is great. She handled hers and he showed out well for the match. All is well, phase two of the relationship can continue. Phase two being After Sex (A.S). You see there’s Before Sex (B.S.) and after. Y’all know there’s a difference. So the two are now being sexual. This woman who is wifey material is everything he could have asked for. This is where things get tricky. This same woman is also very sexual. She loves sex and is open about her likes and dislikes. It’s not something that she has to constantly talk about, or flaunt, but she brings it to his attention some of the things she’s interested in. The man realizes that she’s not virginal, and instantly her wifey status is diminished. I’m not talking about super freaky crazy, swinger swapping stuff and animals. Just on some Common’s “Go” type stuff.
So why does this happen? I’ve heard plenty of men claim they want a L.I.T.S. but a F.I.T.B yet, turn around and say in the same breath that they want their wives to be damn near virginal. I’ve also seen men confuse a woman who is well versed in the bedroom with a woman who has been around the block. The man is still intrigued, but would prefer her to be the Jump Off as opposed to Wifey now. He wants to learn from her, but not learn with her.
On the flip side, I’ve spoken to some of my friends who would love a sexually adventurous woman. However, they still admitted they would seriously question how she came to learn what she did, and why she was open to do certain other acts. However, I feel like this is all irrelevant. There’s a difference between the girl that you know all of your friends and the entire eastern seaboard have ran through, and the girl who may have had that one guy who showed her the ropes. At the end of the day if she’s in good health how much does it matter? If she was wifey to you before, the fact that she may know her way around the bed better than you shouldn’t change that.
So is it male ego? Pride? Should we black women find the happy medium between just laying there and absolutely letting loose? Should we stop reading Zane books and learn how to keep it basic? Or should we be able to explore our sexuality, and have a partner who supports us and explores with us? Are Will and Jada on to something? If you found out that Michelle Obama was a real freaky deek would you take the pedestal from under her?
I open it up to you guys. I want to later explore more of the Professional Black Woman and her sexuality, as well as the stereotype of the black woman as the Jezebel when other races of women hold no such “title” over their heads. We’ll see how this conversation goes first. 🙂
JG* (no this post is not about me). LOL