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I really needed a reason to use that song. LOL I love love love me some Pharrell and by default in this song, I love Usher. 

This is going to be part of a multi-post discussion of some ideas. I’d love to get you guy’s feedback to make future posts on this topic more conducive to what you all want to talk about. 

So as humans, we all have the desire to meet someone we’re attracted to, get to know them, marry, and mate. That can be in any order obviously. While this seems like an easy enough concept, it has proven itself to be quite difficult actually. Especially in this day and age. It seems the economy isn’t the only thing in a recession. What I want to talk about however is the role sex plays in relationships. Specifically for this post I want to talk about the role a woman’s sexuality plays into relationships. 

This is partially inspired by the Jump Off vs. Friends with Benefits conversation we had over at Single Black Male, but really it’s a thought that I’ve seen many women secretly whisper about. It seems that to a certain extent black women are experiencing our own sexual revolution. Feminism to a certain extent left us in the dust, so we’re just now learning to love and be okay with our sensuality. Or we really? I watch Sex and The City, and I marvel at how these women were sexual, and open about their sexuality. They did things and spoke about things in a way that just made it seem normal and quite alright. Conversations among black women don’t go that way without anyone observing considering them “Whorish”.  Of course, we talk to our girlfriends about our sexual escapades but the feeling is definitely different. Here’s why: Our sexual experiences are different. This is especially true for the Professional Black Woman. 

I’ve had many conversations with men about how they want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed. We’ve all heard that saying. To them, Wifey will be the pillar of the community, independent, yet secure enough to let the man be the man, and able to make his toes curl at night. Wonderful. That sounds great to me. So then tell me why have I observed this: A man meets a wonderfule woman.  She’s a PBW,  educated, socially aware, sweet, the kind of girl you bring home to mom, and make her the mother of your children. They date, enjoy great conversations, and then it’s time to get the business done. First go around is great. She handled hers and he showed out well for the match. All is well, phase two of the relationship can continue. Phase two being After Sex (A.S). You see there’s Before Sex (B.S.) and after. Y’all know there’s a difference. So the two are now being sexual. This woman who is wifey material is everything he could have asked for. This is where things get tricky. This same woman is also very sexual. She loves sex and is open about her likes and dislikes. It’s not something that she has to constantly talk about, or flaunt, but she brings it to his attention some of the things she’s interested in. The man realizes that she’s not virginal, and instantly her wifey status is diminished. I’m not talking about super freaky crazy, swinger swapping stuff and animals. Just on some Common’s “Go” type stuff. 

So why does this happen? I’ve heard plenty of men claim they want a L.I.T.S. but a F.I.T.B yet, turn around and say in the same breath that they want their wives to be damn near virginal. I’ve also seen men confuse a woman who is well versed in the bedroom with a woman who has been around the block. The man is still intrigued, but would prefer her to be the Jump Off as opposed to Wifey now. He wants to learn from her, but not learn with her. 

On the flip side, I’ve spoken to some of my friends who would love a sexually adventurous woman. However, they still admitted they would seriously question how she came to learn what she did, and why she was open to do certain other acts. However, I feel like this is all irrelevant. There’s a difference between the girl that you know all of your friends and the entire eastern seaboard have ran through, and the girl who may have had that one guy who showed her the ropes. At the end of the day if she’s in good health how much does it matter? If she was wifey to you before, the fact that she may know her way around the bed better than you shouldn’t change that. 

So is it male ego? Pride? Should we black women find the happy medium between just laying there and absolutely letting loose? Should we stop reading Zane books and learn how to keep it basic? Or should we be able to explore our sexuality, and have a partner who supports us and explores with us? Are Will and Jada on to something? If you found out that Michelle Obama was a real freaky deek would you take the pedestal from under her? 

I open it up to you guys. I want to later explore more of the Professional Black Woman and her sexuality, as well as the stereotype of the black woman as the Jezebel when other races of women hold no such “title” over their heads. We’ll see how this conversation goes first. 🙂 


JG* (no this post is not about me). LOL


  1. First off…

    “I open it up to you guys.”

    Pause. Now to my comment.

    I’m one of those people that wants a LITS but a FITB and also wants her to be as close to pure/virginal as possible. No. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s like chasing that ever elusive white dragon. It’s not difficult to find a LITS abd FITB, but in the process of reaping all those benefits I do wonder. Did she learn how to work in it the sack from long relationships with 3-5 guys or from brief encounters with like 15? If she’s willing to do this with me, how many other chaps have experienced this magic.

    As I’ve said many a time, men folk are territorial. We like feeling like we’re one of the only dudes to dabble in a chick’s goods. Dealing with virgins can be special. Dealing with chicks who been with one dude in their life can be special. Personally, I don’t mind bringing her up to speed on bedroom antics as long as she’s not on some “I’m completely spiritual and channel my lust in other ways like basket-weaving.”

  2. LOL… you would pause.

    Y’all are territorial and that’s a problem. I mean I get it if you don’t want a chick that’s been with all your friends. LOL But men and the “body count” is so funny to me. But as long as she’s handling yours and taking care of home….. what’s the big deal?

    Men put these limits on women that aren’t put on them. You don’t mind catching a girl up to speed. That implies that you’ve been in the race. So you aren’t pure but she needs to be? Interesting. 🙂

    Again… I leave it open for everyone. 🙂 LOL

  3. Can me all just get along? It’s the Holidays

    • @ Marchello LOL What are you talking about?

  4. I was just cruising WordPress’ Tag Surfer and came across your post. I feel the need to comment on one part of it:

    “I want to later explore more of the Professional Black Woman and her sexuality, as well as the stereotype of the black woman as the Jezebel when other races of women hold no such “title” over their heads.”

    You’re off-base on this one. White women are equally suspect for having a bit too much experience in the sack.

    • @ jonolan. Hmmm this could be true to a certain extent. However, my experiences in College were that while they may have been seen as “more willing to try anything” it didn’t hinder them socially. I would see a two girls kissing at a party, and the next day it was as if it was nothing. Let that have been me and my friend (and this is something that I wouldn’t have wanted to do) it would have been like a Scarlet letter on our chests. And outside of universal words like “whore, slut, loose” black women have been called Jezebels specifically for decades.


    Guys need to get over it. Real talk. If you’re dating an adult woman, then 9 of 10 somebody’s already been in it. And? When we bring up anything from a man’s past, we instantly get “But that’s the past! I’m with you now! Stop being so insecure!” What kind of do as I say not as I do type ish are y’all on?

    If it’s good, be glad that you’re getting it now and don’t worry about how it got so good. You can’t be her first. Focus on putting it down so well that you’re her last.

  6. I will admit that I have kinda sort of suffered from this in the past. It wasn’t that she knew what she was doing … that I liked and enjoyed … hell … she found out I was more of a freak soon enough … but at some point (like Slim said) you wonder if it was from 3-5 long term people … or 25 different n****s at the club.

    Sure … I know it shouldn’t matter … but f*ck that.

    And BTW … I don’t want a virgin … I don’t need to teach or “acquaint” anybody with the act. I don’t know how to ride dick … so how would I teach someone how to do it?

  7. sadly I have to agree with this… I mean, I’ve had ex-we tell me that they have a problem with my history and I’ve even been dating a dude that didn’t want to make it official because of it.

    I tried to give a damn but I don’t… hell, I want a man coming to the relationship with the equivalent if not more experience then me! and I’m definitely not wondering where or how he learned how to perfect justin the slayers signature move, i’m rather greatful he can just do that shit with me!

    at my age, I’m not tryna take anyones v-card nor am I tryna teach dudes how to handle their business in the bedroom and I feel they should be (or are) thinking the same way… experienced lovers make the bedroom experience that much more great…

    as a dude would say, don’t worry about where I learned it just be happy it’s being done with you… oh, and take notes! LOL!

  8. I’ve read the comments and unfortunately I have to agree with the ladies on this one. I have other things to think about then who she’s been with. #1 It doesn’t really matter how many guys she’s been with because quite honestly how can you be sure that she’s giving you an accurate body count. #2 Skinny Black Girl was absolutely correct you should be figuring out how to be the last, especially if she’s that special woman.

    Here’s a thought. Although it is true that one does get better with experience in the bed, some people are just naturally gifted sexually. I got a late start. While I know that I’ve fine tuned my skills; I wasn’t half bad when I first started. Thus it is quite feasible that her experience is disproportionate to past partners. Maybe your connection with her has allowed her to become more in tune with her body/sexuality and opened up the sexual floodgates (giggity)! Maybe she was born one of the sexually gifted and talented.

    BOTTOM LINE DUDES, MAN UP! TIME OUT FOR THE BITCHASSNESS. We make every excuse in the book not to commit and this is just another one. Not to mention it’s a complete double standard. For every 2 partners that she’s had you’ve probably had about 10. You do the math.

    FREAKY LADIES I support you. In fact free yourselves. Take off your clothes right now where ever you are and email me your best lingerie shot to LOL! Damn did I just digress….

  9. If you think about it, this is some of the dumbest shit in the world.

    “She do it too good so I don’t know if I wanna be with her.”
    – (Insert weak ass dude name here)

    The thing is that most men want to be the “teachers.” Some of us want to be the ones who turned you out. When some of us get to those of you who are already liberated, those men feel like they have nothing to offer cuz you already know what the deal is. It’s some bullshit though. What’s wrong with having a woman who KNOWS whats up? I guess dudes are scared of getting sprung and fucked over. Truth be told, if she’s that cold, then maybe the guy needs to step his game up.

  10. True, we Whites seem more accepting of our sluts, whereas Blacks seem less so. But your example was homosexual and that raises an entirely different set of cultural beliefs that might cloud or taint the resulting treatment.

    Trust me on this, those White instant lesbians – just add alcohol – and the others of similar promiscuity are “jump Offs” not potential girlfriends much less wives.

    • @ Jonolan…. perhaps. Again I’m speaking in my observations and experiences. I should make that more clear on my posts. Those same girls are happily married today, getting their PhD’s and still doing the craziness while dating their doctor-in-residency boyfriends. But as the comments are showing, there is a problem with the ways in which sexuality are viewed, and as a black chick, that’s my perspective.

      @ Jamaal & Joe you’re very much right! It’s pretty lame and honestly, we’re too old to be teaching. At what age is it ok for a girl to have slept with more than 2 guys? And like an earlier post of mine stated, Porn is awesome, and teaches quite a bit! LOL

    • @ Joe…. LOL Wow in that case…

      oh and @ Jonolan i’m not simply talking about “slutty” behavior.

  11. @joepistone: I had a girl give me an accurate “body count” once when I was in high school and my reaction to it probably made her lie to every other male she would ever meet. LMAO. Forgive me ladies, I was only 16. I stopped askin after that.

  12. @JG In order to qualify as a wife you are only allowed to have masturbated and gotten your annual pelvic exam LMAO! If you’re over 35 you can have been with a dildo as well.

    You are correct about your white counterparts. No offense fellas but I think it has to do with some insecurities when you aren’t able to deal with a sexually aware sister………

  13. Insecurity is like the source of everything evil in the world. That word gets thrown around a lot. If I don’t want a chick who’s been pumped by 15 dudes as wifey, then I don’t want that. That’s just my preference. I don’t even ask chicks their numbers anymore just cuz I don’t need/want to know and have things get awkward. If I’m wondering how many dudes beat, it’s usually for a specific reason…i.e. she was taking face shots on the first nite. Nothing to do with bitchassness. Happy Holidays!

    • LOL @Slim…. you a mess. But I mean geeez. Face shots in the first night? I’m sayin’ though. What kind of girls you think we’re talking about.

  14. @slim… that is soooo foolish!!! i mean, if she’s taking face shots the first night then no questions even need to be asked!

  15. @ Slim I understand your response but it didn’t specifically address the question. We understand that you don’t wifey the smut jump off. We’re talking about the girl who has it going on outside and inside the bedroom that’s sexually aware; and the dudes who are asking how many dudes she’s been with; annnnnnnnd wondering how/why she is great in the sack; annnnnnnnnnnd deciding she’s no good because of her body count. 80/20 Rule she’s got it going on but she’s had 1 too many sex partners. Keep searching……..

    If the ladies employed those same “preferences” as you say not too many of us men would ever be HUSBAND material. Even if that is your preference there’s a REASON behind it….

  16. Well here’s a possibly pertinent question: Does anyone here believe that a woman can get to be a “freak” and still have a history of non-promiscuous behavior and if not, do you believe that it’s likely that she’ll change that behavior now – her current relationship – in favor of monogamy?

    If there’s a general trend towards disbelief of the above, that would go a long way towards explaining the attitude.

    • @ Jonolan… I think that’s mainly it. There is a misconception that a woman must have had a long list of partners to have gotten to a certain level of performance. This is completely untrue. I’m sure there are some women who have been around the block and around and around, and they may not have ever learned a thing. Probably because their abuse of their bodies was more for attention and not because they actually enjoyed the act and the intimacy. There are other women who sincerely love sex, are in tune with their bodies, and may have had one or two partners that they were comfortable with who expanded their sexual horizons. So I think there is a trend towards disbelief. Sadly on the opposite, many men feel like a lack of partners makes them an undesirable candidate. While I personally wouldn’t want a virgin, I still don’t think it take a guy 45 women to “figure it out”.

  17. @Jonolan here’s my take on the question. In my opinion yes a woman can grow to be a freak or be freaky and have a non-promiscuous history. However, that refers to being a “freak” for the person she’s committed to. In my experience as women get older they become more in tune with their bodies, etc. It’s not necessarily because she’s been banging Tom, Dick (giggity), and Harry it’s just a sexual maturing if you will. With that maturing she’s able to express herself more freely in the bedroom. Society has taught women to be reserved sexually. Thus when a woman is free sexually it brings up any number of rhetorical questions.

    The problem is that men are having a difficult time accepting/understanding where that freaky side came from. The question is what real difference does it make? I understand that you don’t want to wife the whore of Babylon. However, how many past partners is too many for wifey? It could have something to do with perception as well. A dude who has bagged 20,000 chicks like Wilt Chamberlain is the man. A woman who has had sex with 3 men, enjoys giving head, and watches porn should be castrated and banished to the brush. She is not eligible for matrimony, wait she’s not even eligible to be a girlfriend LOL!

    Somehow being gifted in the bed for women has been associated with multiple practice sessions with multiple partners. Let me take a stab at a stupid analogy. It didn’t take ten bikes for you to learn to ride. Some of us got it on the first try and some of us took a “little” longer. However, once you got it, you got it. You don’t have to practice riding a bike frequently to maintain the skill or should I say be GREAT at it. Just relax and enjoy the ride fellas (no pun intended)!

  18. @JG well said…….I’m Joe Pistone and I approve that message. You get an Amen for that response

  19. I would most likely run from a man who acted like I couldn’t be wifey because I pleased him a little too well. That’s completely ridiciulous. Joe is right. Men are using excuses to stay single…just be single and handle ya business instead of finding any little itty bitty thing wrong with a chic to prevent commitment.

    I think that with age, men tend to abandon that philosophy because (1) its immature, and (2) once you’re in your late 20s/early 30s, you might as well abandon the fact that a chic will be halfway virginal; many lose their virginity in high school/college so if a female has been fuckin’ for 10+ years, she would WANT to be good at it, and (3) you have to recognize that a woman could have been with ONE guy for a long time who taught her the ropes and helped her perfect her craft.

    I’ve kept my sexual partners to a minimum, and due to previously being in a long term relationship, a sista has skills. Any grown man giving me the side eye because I gave him the holy ghost in the sack, is a ‘tard. lol

    No offense to anyone who falls into that category.

  20. @suga Ummmm could you break down for the class what happens when you give a man the “holy ghost in the sack”? I’ve recieved lots of uh stuff (giggity) in the sack but never the HG. My goodness sounds like you’ve got some poooooowerful shyt (no pun intended)!

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