I know, I know. The first thing you’re thinking is “Lick It”. After that you’re thinking “I do lick it! Damn what else do you want!?” And I’ll say this: There are a million and one things that should be done outside of sticking ANYTHING (wang, tongue) in the honey pot. This post was inspired by a hilarious conversation between a friend and I, so I hope they feel special and leave a comment. 🙂
So men…. You probably feel as though you’ve made great strides in the bedroom in the ways of pleasing women. You actually stop and kiss the top of the panties before you snatch them off, you spend a few minutes lapping at the water bowl, and you don’t immediately move into the “Jack Rabbit Thrust” upon entrance. But there are so many other things you have to consider before even making it to the bed. I know! This is complex! Why didn’t we tell you this from the start! Well look, we women are complex beings and our orgasm is akin to finding Oil in the middle of Texas. It’s the most precious natural resource in the world. If we gave you everything at once, you would be overwhelmed and both heads would more than likely implode.
So, in the holiday spirit I will present to you another short list of things y’all can work on to improve performance and once this is mastered we will continue to teachings of the wise. Ladebelle mentioned things that we love about men, but here are things that men need to step their game up on.
I love when a man smells good. I just wanna cuddle up all in his neck. I react to a good smelling man much like those crazy chicks on the Axe commercials. Maybe I really am crazy. So men, please do not come near me with the sexy face smelling like *Man*. That is not hot. And do some research. Go to Sephora, Don’t just grab the closest “Mystic Rain”, or “Mountain Fresh”, or “Sport” deodorant and think that’s going to be enough. I do not want my man smelling like trees, oudoors, or “Sport”. What the hell is Sport anyways? Why would that smell good? I have some favorite man scents, but those are well guarded. I don’t want someone trying to catch me off guard and run up on me all smellin’ all good and…… OK.. Sorry. *Phew* Tangent. So yes, take your “Au Natural” smellin’ selves to the mall and get it right.
Y’all love to tell us to get our hair and nails done. Nevermind we have to drop at least $50 a trip and up to $100 on occasion. Well, at least this is the case for me. Then $35 every two weeks to get our nails done… I digress. A haircut costs like what? $15 at the most for a man? You have dreads, it’s definitely more, but you know better than to let Dreads get sour. So please, require the same thing of yourself. Wash your hair. It’s starting to smell like old milk. Do not think I want you kissing up my body, then I smell your salty ass hair, and you think it’s a green light. No Sir. Do not pass go, Do not collect $200. I will shampoo you myself. Do not try to produce waves in grass. Hunny, not everyone’s hair is hawaiian silky. This is a lesson some of us women need to learn too in regards to weave selections, but that’s another blog another day. So don’t spend all your morning in my bathroom, trying to wave up the kinky. Major turn off, and later on that night, you might be seeing my back if you see my bed at all.
Cook for me.
Listen, I am a master chef. I throws down in the kitchen. I have been known to have men drop down on a knee to offer up their lives to me just to have me stand in their kitchens for the rest of our lives. (Feminists, calm down. I’m with the cause too.) I’ve had men drop THEIR drawers after a delightful meal, and I know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But listen closely. I learned how to cook this well because I love to eat. Eating makes me happy. It makes me much more happier when I didn’t cook it. When I cook, I taste test the whole way through. By the time I’m done, I don’t want to sit down and eat. So if you cook for me, you’ll have me rolling in post dining ecstasy and your chances of getting the goodies as dessert have just gone from 0-60 in a matter of seconds. If the food smells good while it’s cooking, we might actually have to step away from the oven for a few minutes. So make something that bakes, or stews, and doesn’t require constant attention.
Give me a massage.
First of all, in order to give a massage there needs to be a certain level of nakedness. This is the perfect opportunity for you! I’ve had many a man ask me to give HIM one, but far less have offered first. A good massage tells me so much about you. You know the human body, you’re good with your hands, and you know when to apply the right amounts of pressure. Trust me, if this goes down well, it’s a wrap. Roger that, over and out, man down. Whew! Plus, while you’re sitting on my back, I’m mentally trying to capture the size of your magic wand….Seriously. I’m not joking. 🙂
Well that should do it for now. 🙂 More to come later when y’all are ready.