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to continue with our most recent “scandalous” rants, i decided to blog on the topic of the “cheater”…

the other night as i was waiting for sleep to kick in, i was reading this blog that this woman wrote about her trials and tribulations and basic experiences that she had. i would like to represent two things here:

  1. i’m not the firmest believer that sex is cheating (a blog for another day… or maybe i’ve already blogged on it… either way, this has to do with my f-ed up history)
  2. the lady in this blog is most definitely a cheater

ok, so now that that stuff is out of the way… i was reading her story and i couldn’t stop until i’d read it from start to finish. she chronicles her affair with gert in such a way that i began to empathize with her. i think that we’ve all been in serious relationships and in the beginning, they are filled with lust, happiness, blindness. blindness? yes. during this infamous honeymoon phase, most are blind to who the person really is and we are infatuated with who we think they are.

but once the honeymoon phase is over and we look at what we really have, some are not quite as satisfied. or we forget to make time for each other. or we forget to make the other feel special. or we just no longer feel like doing the relationship thing anymore but we aren’t adult enough to say that. or we rushed into a lifelong (to be read as: as long as we can’t afford a divorce) comittment and it’s too late. either way, the honeymoon phase is over and now you’re left sitting in a pile of shit. so… what do you do? some (in fact most) do what this lady did and have a fling…

now, let me pause and represent that i think that she took this shit waaaaay too far but i don’t know if given her circumstance, i wouldn’t have done something similar (never to this extent). the way she wrote and poured her heart and soul out and was so open and naiive was amazing to me… i’m not saying amazing in the right way, but i was definitely awed. and some of the feelings that she had, i just couldn’t imagine her being ok with! for example, she was angry when the person she was cheating with was having an affair with someone else. bananas right? the crazier thing is that she loved this man more then her husband. so why stay with him right?

so this prompted some questions on my behalf and i want your full and honest opinions here:

  • what’s your definition of cheating?
  • based on your definition, have you ever cheated? why?
  • again, based on your definition, have you ever been cheated on? were you able to forgive them?
  • why do you think that people cheat?

i can’t wait to “hear” your responses…

xoxo

ladebelle

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17 Comments

  1. Hmmm. I’m a little more old fashioned here. I define cheating as getting something from someone else behind your S.O.’s back. It’s hard to put into words. Like… I don’t mind if you look, and I am open to looking with you. Shoot. WIll & jada style, but I need you to likewise, be grown enough and mature enough to communicate with me if your thoughts are wandering elsewhere. If you up late nights on the phone with her and hiding it, or having secret lunches and stuff, that’s cheating. If you can’t tell me about it, then you know you’re acting up. That’s not to say my man won’t be able to kick it with his friends (male or female) without running it by me first. But let’s be for real. We’re all adults and we know what’s right and wrong. Lunch with Tiffany, who I know, and you know you aint tryna act out with is different from lunch with Brandy, and y’all drove to Lawrencville, and when I texted you “Hey what’s up” you replied “oh, I’m just drowning in all this work.” And of course, if you’re out spending money, spending quality time, and sharing the goodies, definitely cheating.

    I’ve been engaged, been in long term relationships and in those I’ve never cheated. My most recent ex, we were together for a week, and I was still trippin’ over my other most recent ex, and that ex and I hooked up. I immediately realized that I must not have been in it to win it with my current boyfriend or else I would have acted like an adult, and I told him and I broke up with him. I (and this is just me) don’t believe that if I love someone, I would ever betray that love. If I’m feeling like creeping, I’ll tell him how I feel and maybe we aren’t supposed to be together. If it’s just sexual, I’ll let my man know that he’s not satisfying me and I’ll tell him what I want. I’m all about communication. Again… that Will & Jada

    Oh I’ve been cheated on. Forgiven, but never forgotten. And we’re not together anymore. LOL It would have been one thing if they would have come to me, but no… it’s much easier to act like a child and try and say you didn’t do it. That’s my problem. Just be real.

    People cheat because they don’t communicate, their partner is not doing something that someone else is willing to do, some people like to live life dangerously, some people are just too weak to leave their current situation, you know what… that list is too long.

  2. umm… JG* you were supposed to be commenting not writing another blog… lol… jk

    i can definitely see what you’re saying here… did you read the blog that i linked to? when i tell you that i was at home in tears reading this because of her feelings… (sigh) i dunno…

  3. Yea* I read that blog and I was like “Dumb ass” That’s harsh and rude. Then I fell back a bit. Her cheating was WRONG. Hands down. If she wasn’t happy in her marriage, she needed to talk to her husband. Plus, why was he out hanging with kids? Why didn’t she check that shit then? Either way, she could have left, or pushed his ass to do better. He actions after the fact made her NO better than him, and a sad sad case. I pray for her self-esteem though. But we women have got to learn to demand better of our mates and in ourselves. You settle, you get shit.

  4. I’m pretty close minded when it comes to cheating.

    what’s your definition of cheating?

    Intimacy outside of your COMMITTED relationship.

    based on your definition, have you ever cheated? why? No.

    again, based on your definition, have you ever been cheated on? I have only been in one DEFINED relationship in my lifetime, where there was a real committment, and that was my first real boyfriend at 19… I don’t think he cheated, but i really don’t know what happened… it took me three years to get over it.

    why do you think that people cheat? Because of lack of communicaiton, whether it’s I need your support, let’s go out tonight, I’m stressed, yada yada yada.

  5. @ Nicki…. I have to say that your definition was better put, but exactly what I was wanting to say. I agree. Intimacy outside of your committed relationship. That can include non-physical things. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my thinking.

  6. I hereby incorporate my blog, http://www.adventuresindivorce.blogspot.com (category: cheating), by reference as response to this post. LOL!

    First a disclaimer: cheating is bad. It’s hurtful. There’s no justification for it. But….it happens. A LOT.

    Now, what IS cheating? Its whatever the couple thinks is cheating as far as the actions are concerned. I don’t trip about a lot of things that many women would, and I’m on the same page as Labelle that the sex isn’t the most important consideration. But the common denomenator is deceit and hurt.

    I could write a whole book about this…..*sigh* But I wrote a blog about it instead.

  7. anesidora is that truth so definitely check her out…

  8. Cheating is different in every case. It’s not all the same. Cheating on a spouse is different then cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend. I’d much rather my girlfriend cheat on me than my wife. It gives me solid options and easy ones. It’s easier to stay or leave a girlfriend, when you’ve had many and can have many more. It’s also a learning experience. And learning to leave is a boon for someone’s relationship skills.

    People hold cheating as some huge thing. In all really it isn’t always. Like everything there is a spectrum. And things on a spectrum may be closely associated, but they may also be very far apart. Because of this, I think cheating can be a good and useful tool. It definitely can help people determine frame of mind. It can contextualize things. It can help us make hard and fast decisions, like leaving and staying. But people have to have the where-with-all to use it as a tool.

    If people aren’t smart about what they see and how they behave, then cheating is the least of their concerns. Why? Because if we can’t look at things critically, than nothing truly good or bad can be determined and then we’ll have to rely on extremes to make decisions. None of our choices will truly be informed. None of our choices will be healthy.

    The result of noncritical thinking is usually putting our wants before our needs. People won’t leave relationships where they are treated poorly instead they’ll stay in situations because of false senses of obligation other plain stupid things. These are the same people who foolish lend money to people and other things.

    When we put our wants before our needs, we put aside the critical thought and end up not being able to choose what’s best for us. This is why when we look at things like cheating, we have to look at it for how it effects us and what we can learn. Was is a small slight? Can I hang around til I fight another person with a better communication skills or a better sense of loyalty?

    It’s all a matter of thinking. Got to think it through and not want it through.

    • LOL and I’m over here going…????

      I’ll read it a few times. I totally didn’t get it.

  9. dang damany!!! u went to church on us!!! i’m over here speaking in tongues and shit!!!

    well said

  10. If physical cheating is on par with other forms of cheating, then sharing secrets and intimacies with your best friend and not your significant other (SO) is cheating too. I don’t buy that, not for a penny. The real issue is romantic/sexual intimacy–always has been.

    I think that cheating is contextualized within the relationship. Everybody and they mama knows that my hubby and I are open, but there can still be cheating within that realm. There are ground rules we understand as diecast and non-negotiable. i.e. No overnight visits. That’s a pretty serious one. You sleep in the bed with the person you are building a life with–end of story.

    But in regards to people who have “traditional” relationships? I don’t know what to say, except that a cheating person is breaking the non-negotiable rule made with the SO. Sometimes the reason seems valid enough–the couple is living two lives, there is lack of trust, or flat-out lack of love. It’s still sad to me.

    all relationships are potentially doomed in those same ways. I simply believe that it’s straight discipline that makes one work and not the other. It has nothing to do with poor matches or poor timing. Do you want it to work? If the answer is yes–on both sides–then the relationship an always be saved, even through infidelity.

    I think people cheat because deep down they believe that there is a chance to find something that their SO cannot provide. And that’s true. So what? One lover has great d*** game, the other can give great h***, so? One can read your face, while the other can read your mind. *shrug* None of that really means anything to me, except that when I look at my husband I know he won’t run from me, even when I’m at my worst.

    ^ori

  11. @all who responded… thank you so much for taking time to give the well thought out responses…

    @nwalker… this is the reason why i love you so much!!!

  12. (background)i think cheating is when a person just violates that “unwritten invisible contract” ..a committed relationship is a wonderful thing when two people are REAL with each other and HONEST. When its on that level where your woman can be like a sister at times and tell you “look man , your handsome and all but that shirt makes you look stupid” or she can hit you with mother style and movtivate you when you NEED. I love that, if i find that IM not CHEATING………

    BuT THATS VERY HARD TO FIND. society has us all playing games out here. I think ppl cheat just to keep up with the entertainment world . A man cheats cuz he wanna carry on that image that the r and b singers/ rappers are talking about…and woman will cheat cuz she trying to be single and have fun all that ” ladies night” and sh**.

    I think men and women are BOTH being fooled here. I mean besides this its true we all get the feeling to have get closer with someone else like ” she half chinese…waazup babi”…or ladies like ” ohh this dudes look better than my man , and he got more money.lemme see was good” Curiosity kicks in of course .But i think its the things we watch on tv that pull us into this Game more.

  13. have i cheated …damn right. To be committed takes a certain amount of maturity i don’t have right now LOL. My situation is unique tho , cuz im not a player( i have good months occasionally). Women play me on some disrespectfulness all the time so I’m just like not really with that yet MR. RIGHT style (the fact that I’m mentioning this SHOWS Im not mature enuff lol) cheating isnt just having sex(even tho thats the worst)..it can be kissing another person..or showing someone affection (mostly because it always leads to sex RIGHT?? lol

  14. uhhh… samori… i’m kinda speechless…

  15. I agree with nikki sunshine’s and jg’s definition of cheating. Anything intimate outside of a committed relationship is wrong…unless the SO has given the ok.

    Have I ever cheated? No. I just don’t believe in it. I broke up with my last ex when I found myself planning dates with other people. He obviously wasn’t giving me something that I needed, especially since I kept forgetting I was committed to someone lol I’d rather spare us the drama and hurt feelings and just end it before I do anything scandalous.

    I have never been cheated on..at least not that I know of. I do know that if someone cheats on my in the future, I will most likely not be able to stay and work it out. I hold truth and honesty in such a high regard and I have a very hard time forgiving people. Knowing that my SO cheated, would make both of our lives miserable…seriously. If I were married, I would definitely try to work through it, but I’m sure it would bother me too much to forgive and forget.

    People cheat for a myriad of reasons. The top 2 are boredom and not content with their current commitment.

  16. @nwalker4gsu I love your response. Very thought provoking

    Yup cheated my azz off. Probably the top reason why; I was being a thoughtless selfish bastard. I did love the person(s) that I cheated on but ultimately I both loved/hated myself more. I definitely had some esteem issues growing up and I compensated by surrounding myself with women. I wasn’t ready to completely settle but I also was not ready to give up my SO as I’ve always had the desire to be a husband/father. A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways. I’ll be damned if that man wasn’t me. I find it very easy to forgive as sometimes you’ll find that the offenders behavior had something to do with a deeper issue and not exactly what you thought. Cheating wasn’t about a desire to get sex for me; or I wasn’t being satisfied sexually; or she’s not pretty enough; not even the men are dogs and I just HAD to do it BS; blah blah blah. For me it was the attention; the yearning to feel attractive and desired. In high school I was the short, skinny band nerd; got noooooo action. My prom date only asked me to go with her because her date got locked up the day before LMAO! Anywho as I got a little older and the women started to take notice. I lost my DAMN mind; I literally lost my damn mind. I found my swagger, I covered up all of my insecurities and a cheater was born. I’ve since matured and dealt with my internal struggles and ditched my cheating ways.

    Yup I’ve been cheated on. My ex-fiancé accepted my proposal KNOWING that down in her heart she didn’t love me the way a fiancé should. She wanted too but because of a rocky history she just couldn’t. She wanted to love me but deep down she also really wanted to make me pay for all the past hurt I had dealt. We talked very candidly about the past and she said with FULL integrity, or at least I thought she was being honest, that she had forgiven me. The slate was clean and I was the man of her dreams. I know these things don’t happen over-night, however, moving forward with our engagement was based on what she told me she desired. Consequently, she accept my proposal and started a “pretend” life with me hoping somehow the past would go away and she’d be able to love me the right way. Well that miracle never happened and we went to hell in a hand basket and she used every reason in the world why we weren’t working to get out. Confessed how she actually hated me and resented me. She hit me with a hailstorm of contradictory emotions. Just FYI we had no noticeable problems; there was not cheating nothing the bottom just fell out of our engagement.

    Here’s the infidelity in my book, CHEATING and LYING are synonymous. Quite honestly I would rather her have gone out and banged Dexter St. Jock in a moment of indiscretion than for her to lie about what she uh thought she had uh wanted for us. Sorry there’s no justifiable lie in a relationship.

    All cheaters live double lives. #1 Reason people cheat is because someone is being selfish…..Relationships are about vulnerability and once someone decides to think more about “MY” benefit or “I” it’s doomed……. Yes I can forgive an infidelity, and yes there can be life after.

    PS (sorry so long)


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