Well folks, today I am dedicating today’s blog to Kanye West’s newest album 808’s & Heartbreak.
Once again Kayne’s right on time. His CD’s always speak to what’s going on in my life. I’m not going to give a review. Not at this time, perhaps later this week when the Album has officially dropped and I can feel better about bootlegging it. 🙂 When Late Registration came out I was in heaven. I had my addiction at the time. Me and my homie David (RIP…I’m not sure if you would like this one Dee. LOL) would listen to Crack Music and Drive Slow. All the fraternity interludes ran deep for me since I was pledging that semester. It was a good look.
Then came Graduation. I mean there were obvious hits. The CD did well. But I Wonder came Just.In.Time. I was really going through it. I had lost something that was very important to me and I seriously spiraled out of control. I couldn’t eat, I barely slept. The only good thing was that I lost 20 lbs. But then that made my friends think that I was on cocaine. No… they seriously thought I was. Crazy friends. I used I Wonder as my motivation to still be awesome, and to still see my name light up the skyline. I used it to get over my devastation. And I did. 🙂 I started eating (too much), and my friends saw me happy again, the thing that I had lost had come back to me in a new light. Things were A-okay.
But they say all good things must come to an end. And here we enter Heartbreak.
Now I am one happy chick. I really am. You can ask anyone. However, if there were one thing that I put too much strength in it’s love. I love Love. I love being in love. I’m awesome when I’m in love. I give my entire heart when I’m in love. What I don’t do is save some room to love myself. Here in 2008 I thought I had it entirely figured out. I had lost love once and I was better for it and now I can go out and find it again! Problem is that I have had a hard time letting go of my earlier mentioned “Addiction” and my most recent love. I let those memories haunt me. Chide and goad me. I let those loves dictate my future. It got so that the thought of me having a future were dismal and watching CNN’s Black In America made me miserable. How dare Soledad O’Brien and her documentary imply that a good Black Man was going to be hard to come by for a good Black Woman? My past came back to get me. We entered into a battle of when/how/why and who loves who more and who shows who more. I lost the battle and my emotions had gotten the best of me. I was beaten and a wreck on the inside. On the outside I was happy and a girl who just wanted to have fun.
Over and over again my iTunes played Coldest Winter, Heartless, and RoboCop. (Note: Since the CD hasn’t officially dropped yet, these songs aren’t all the finished versions.) I did all this, yet and still, I wanted to walk backwards. Not forwards into something new. That represents to me the unknown. I want to go back to what I know. The memories that still make me smile. The touches that still warm my heart. The conversations where we don’t even talk. The mornings when his breath stinks and you can’t help but scrunch up your face but still kiss him. The drives through the city that allowed us to dream big. The walks through the park that allowed us to notice the details.
I want that.