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like shit…literally…

so about a month ago i found out that i have this genetic disorder called Hidradenitis Suppurativa… in a nutshell, something is the matter with my pores and i get recurring cysts in my armpits and groin area… so i do some research and there are mixed reviews on whether or not surgery is the way to go because there isn’t in fact a cure for it… so i make the decision, after over 12 years of battling this, to have the surgery…

so here’s what they did prepare me for… before surgery, i had to pay a whopping $500 deductible… then i had to go in for my pre-op appointment. i then found out that i would be going totally under, which i had never done before… so after arriving to the hospital at about 12:30pm, i thought that i was all ready after not eating or drinking for over 12 hours. so i get the anesthia and i’m a light weight… in like 2 seconds i was out like a light…

i wake up at about 6pm coughing with pain under my arms… my throat hurts, i’m nauseus, and the only person i want to see is not there and i can barely understand my nurse. after getting some more pain meds and something for the nausea, i can’t have anything to drink. about 30 min later, i’m transferred from recovery to post-op where i’m hoping to see chris. they still hadn’t gotten him so i sat in the room waiting trying to figure out how to not be quite so groggy. coming out from anesthia was weird… it was like having the worst hangover and still being horribly drunk all at the same time.

so i couldn’t take my bandages off till yesterday afternoon and now i’m wishing that i could have just left them on until i was fully healed because what was under the bandages was something that i was unprepared for. taking the bandages off hurt like hell because i was actually pulling gauze off of my flesh… i think that what was most shocking wasn’t that my flesh was exposed, but it was the golf ball size holes under each of my arms what seems so earth shattering to me.

in my most recent post, i talked about insecurities and mine more specifically… i think that this was a shock to my self-esteem. but u know i think the worst thing is that i don’t know anyone who knows how i’m feeling right now… after crying for what seems like hours on end and not eating, i think i’m finally ready to pick myself up… but i’m not sure… i’m really down right now and everytime i take off my shirt and see how much drainage there is or the holes that are still there, i’m reminded of the insecurity that has not just doubled, but quadrupled… i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to look “normal” in anything that exposes my armpits… i don’t know if i’ll be able to apply deodorant or shave the same way… i don’t want to deal with the weird stares at the gym if i wear a tank top and lift my arms…

not doing so well… not at all…


  1. Aww, ladebelle. I have so many hugs for you. Things will get better though. I’m sure of it.

    Did the hospital or those who prepared you for the surgery, ever mention anything about a support group? I’m sure if you google it, there is probably a group out there, a group of people who identify with you. I’m sure that if you do a little research, you’ll find that you aren’t alone.

  2. Hey hunnie,
    I agree with Suga’s suggestion of a support group but to serve as a supplement. I believe in YOU! You are a strong and secure individual; despite insecurities (which are normal). So smile harder and laugh louder. You will be just fine, I am sure of that. I will keep you in my prayers.
    Love you dearly! šŸ™‚

  3. I 100% understand where you’re coming from. It wasn’t until the past couple months that I started to feel comfortable wearing anything that exposed my knees… they are so scarred and swollen from all of my surgeries that I used to be incredibly embarrassed by and ashamed of them. But you know, I learned to think of my knees as signs of how courageous and strong I am – and that has made all the difference in the world.

    The healing process is long and hard, but you’ll get there. Keep the faith.

  4. Please hang in there (I know you will!)!!! The holes under your arms have no reflection on your full and beautiful spirit. You are not any less whole than anyone else. Maybe everytime you look at the holes, you should metaphorically “fill” them with good thoughts about yourself and then maybe they wouldn’t seem so gaping.
    I’ve always admired women who have gone through therapy for cancer and have lost all their hair and have fabulously rocked their bald heads with a smile and with flair. I’m sure they have gone through tremendous insecurity before getting to that point and in my third eye, I see you as one of those bold and courageous women.

  5. AWW… it will get better I promise.

    Think of your scars as a testimony that you made it through the battle. I felt just like you when I was going through my Lupus “stage” and now I have permanent scars on my arm from the disease. I wore long sleeve shirts all the time until I had a breakthrough one day and realized that I defeated one of my battles in life and I am proud to say I made it!!

    Keep your head up and stay encouraged… Alicia

  6. @suga… thanks for the suggestion… i just joined one on facebook… i hope it helps!

    @ang… thanks so much for the comment… this y it’s good to have “old” friends around! =)

    @colleen aka twin… i def didn’t know you had the insecurities about ur knees! i thought ur scars were so cool and gave u great bragging rights! nice to know this is normal though!

    @savannah… yeah, i’ve always admired them too… i’m not feeling much like them now! but i will soon…

    @ysl… what does ysl stand for?

    @all… thanks so much for your compassion and words through this tough time… going into surgery i definitely didn’t think it would be this hard! but i’m lucky to have people like you guys to share this with and to uplift me!

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