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Monthly Archives: August 2008

like shit…literally…

so about a month ago i found out that i have this genetic disorder called Hidradenitis Suppurativa… in a nutshell, something is the matter with my pores and i get recurring cysts in my armpits and groin area… so i do some research and there are mixed reviews on whether or not surgery is the way to go because there isn’t in fact a cure for it… so i make the decision, after over 12 years of battling this, to have the surgery…

so here’s what they did prepare me for… before surgery, i had to pay a whopping $500 deductible… then i had to go in for my pre-op appointment. i then found out that i would be going totally under, which i had never done before… so after arriving to the hospital at about 12:30pm, i thought that i was all ready after not eating or drinking for over 12 hours. so i get the anesthia and i’m a light weight… in like 2 seconds i was out like a light…

i wake up at about 6pm coughing with pain under my arms… my throat hurts, i’m nauseus, and the only person i want to see is not there and i can barely understand my nurse. after getting some more pain meds and something for the nausea, i can’t have anything to drink. about 30 min later, i’m transferred from recovery to post-op where i’m hoping to see chris. they still hadn’t gotten him so i sat in the room waiting trying to figure out how to not be quite so groggy. coming out from anesthia was weird… it was like having the worst hangover and still being horribly drunk all at the same time.

so i couldn’t take my bandages off till yesterday afternoon and now i’m wishing that i could have just left them on until i was fully healed because what was under the bandages was something that i was unprepared for. taking the bandages off hurt like hell because i was actually pulling gauze off of my flesh… i think that what was most shocking wasn’t that my flesh was exposed, but it was the golf ball size holes under each of my arms what seems so earth shattering to me.

in my most recent post, i talked about insecurities and mine more specifically… i think that this was a shock to my self-esteem. but u know i think the worst thing is that i don’t know anyone who knows how i’m feeling right now… after crying for what seems like hours on end and not eating, i think i’m finally ready to pick myself up… but i’m not sure… i’m really down right now and everytime i take off my shirt and see how much drainage there is or the holes that are still there, i’m reminded of the insecurity that has not just doubled, but quadrupled… i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to look “normal” in anything that exposes my armpits… i don’t know if i’ll be able to apply deodorant or shave the same way… i don’t want to deal with the weird stares at the gym if i wear a tank top and lift my arms…

not doing so well… not at all…

as usual, i was riding MARTA this morning and this one girl stood out to me. i’m not sure if it’s because i’ve been having insecurity trips lately as well as virtual meltdowns because of my insecurities or if what because she stood out in general. so with that said, this blog, unlike my previous ones, probably won’t be so funny… more cleansing to me i guess…

it’s amazing how easy it is to recognize things about ourselves in other people. i think that’s the reason why this girl stood out to me so much. she was chubby but by no means was she what some would consider a total fat ass or anything. she was cute though. she had her hair in a mohawk and had on a tank that was goth like. i think all girls that are insecure with their bodies do the same trademark thing… she kept pulling her tank down like it was riding with every breath she took. everytime she would pull it down, she would look increasingly more uncomfortable. i do this too…

yesterday i went to the mall with my co-worker and friend. i was people watching as i normally do and noticed how many women, in all sizes, seemed so comfortable with how they looked. not that they all looked good because some of them were a downright mess, but they were comfortable enough with themselves that it didn’t matter what they looked like to others

“beauty is in the eye of the beholder”

i always that this quote was so weird but to these women with these higher levels of comfort must believe in it. it’s weird… i don’t know why i’m so hard on myself. i’ve definitely gained some weight, but i’ve also gained friends, knowledge, degrees, a husband, and so many other things that credit my character being at least decent.

but i guess we’ve all got insecurities but at what point do you let them stop controlling you? please feel free to share…

ok folks… so i’ve had a glass (to be read as a couple glasses) of wine… btw, for non-red wine drinkers, mixing it with a little cranberry juice makes it wonderful!!! however, this is not the point of this specific blog…

so today i sat at my desk from 8:30 am till 5:30 pm without any breaks while doing 3-4 people’s jobs… that might be a slight exaggeration but nonetheless, i’m doing waaaay more then i signed on to do. so what do i do you ask? i work in the wonderful world of association management. what is that? hell, i don’t even know but i do know that i must be doing a damn good job because they keep giving me more shit to do… but with increasing responsibility and an additional degree, do you think i’m paid more? NOPE!!! i’m not… in fact, during my review, i might just be getting a cost of living increase…

during a conversation today and many conversations with my hot husband, i’ve determined that this is just normal for the average american… as the economy consistently decreases, the inverse relationship between the amount of work that an employee has to do and the amount in which they are paid continues to transpire (not sure if that really fits in here but it sounds good).

this would be how my desk once looked

this would be how my desk once looked except i'm black

so today’s rant is a rant that may not have a conclusive ending… but i can tell you this much… i’m tired of being a slave in this workforce and consistently being overworked and underpaid. i get pissed off every time i check my email and there’s a message from one of my 2 micromanaging bosses. i am complaining here and i invite you to do so as well… at least at my previous job i did something of importance, made valuable decisions, and had a pretty damn cool boss (shout out to Sarah!). here, my boss is a constant reminder of the cabbage patch kid that i never wanted… ugh

and here’s some more complaining… i don’t know what to do!!! i mean, do i continue bustin my ass and barely making enough to pay the damn student loans that i have for the degree that was supposed to make me money!!!! ugh… major ugh… so what do you do in this world where employees are consistently over worked and under paid and under appreciated? with the state of the economy, do you find a new job and hope you can keep it or do you put up with the bullshit they keep feeding you?

talk to me…

ahhh… MARTA has yet to fail in being an inspiration to my blogs…

so i think it’s official and i’ve really decided that public transportation is not for the mean person. this is a rather bold statement, i know, but i have some logic behind it…

as i was sitting on the BUC this morning on the last leg of my commute to work, across from me was a rather pretty, but disheveled, lady who was sitting close to another lady. lets call the pretty lady jessica and the other lady callie. so callie is an older lady who was engaged in conversation about how a train broke down making us all late (MARTA is not always SMARTA!!!) and jessica keeps giving her dirty looks. callie is being bumped around because as we all know, there are no seatbelts on public buses and this coupled with the conversation seems to be working jessica’s nerves. so it’s callie’s stop and she’s struggling a little to get up which only furthers jessica’s agitation with her… now normally at this point, the nice person would say something like, “oh, let me help you up” or even move over a little to give the poor HANDICAPPED callie some more space. but not the mean jessica… i thought she was going to push her down and she probably thought about it too…

so to further justify my point about how public transportation is not for mean people, i will elaborate a little further.

when taking public transportation, there are a couple things that are a given… for instance, there are normally going to be an absurd amount of people riding the train/bus with you allowing you little to no personal space. or because it’s public transportation, you will be surrounded by the public (public=all walks of life). and finally, because public transportation is normally funded by some lame ass government entity, they are almost always guaranteed to be late…

with these being some of the basic premises of riding public transportation, if you don’t like people in your personal space, don’t like being in the presence of the normal and not so normal public people, and you want a guarantee to being on tame, GET YOUR MEAN ASS OFF MARTA AND DRIVE IN THE 6 LANES OF TRAFFIC BUT LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE!!!

btw, it took me a good 2 weeks to write this blog… needless to say, life has been hectic so this may not be one of the better blogs… more to come tomorrow!

so in 2001 i went natural before going to college. my shit was just buzzed off and i had the fresh fade! when most black women go natural, there’s a rough transitional period for us. it totally affects our self-esteem… i thought that i looked like a pre-pubescent boy (i didn’t but you get my point) and definitely didn’t view myself to be pretty, let alone beautiful. but there’s definitely beauty in being able to embrace yourself for the natural beauty that you are… now that we’ve gotten passed the cuumbia singing and shit, on to the real reason for this blog…

i was riding the train this morning and out of the corner of my eye there was what looked to be a mop sitting in the corner… i thought, “self, surely there is not a mop on MARTA this morning” and in fact, i was sadly correct. there was no mop sitting there but instead, a beautiful young lady who apparently was struggling with the natural hair dilemma that most of us do. i’m all for learning new things as it pertains to hair, just not when i’m going to be at work that day.

unacceptable for work... even for her.

unacceptable for work... even for her.

and of course everyone has the occasional bad hair (even ladebelle does), occasional should not be everyday… i mean, they make hair ties, wigs, and weaves (which will need to be an entry of it’s own) for that! i too have struggled with what is appropriate for work with my naturally curly hair…

so for all those who are in/have been in this boat, i’ve created a list of telltale signs that your hair is not appropriate for work:

  1. your hair resembles a mop (the obvious)
definite no no

definite no no

  1.  it looks like your hair had a fight with a comb and the winner is still undetermined
  2. the average onlooker can’t tell if your hair is trying to lock itself or not
  3. it looks like there are cornflakes or other “accessories” in there
  4. people walking past stare in awe of your hair

now i’m not saying that you have to tame in such a way that’s unnatural or is just not you… but definitely make sure it’s appropriate for your work and your lifestyle…

great website for natural hair?

get that shit together though!!!

so as i’m riding MARTA this morning (which was definitely NOT ‘smarta’), i found myself staring at the back of this lady’s hamhocks (aka big legs). now the fact that her legs were littered with the cottage cheese looking fat that we women have all come to know and hate as cellulite, her dress was just entirely too short for her shape. i have cottage cheese and during my quest to become more comfortable with it, i’ve noticed that many women struggle with this issue that plagues both skinny and large women all the same.

Stars have cellulite too! Its not for the average woman anymore!

Stars have cellulite too! It's not for the average woman anymore!


but due to the common acceptance for this despised cottage cheese substance, this is not the topic for this blog. we’ve all heard the saying of, “just cause they make it in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it.” what most people don’t know (or do) is that this saying is specifically geared towards the big women (i mean, what is there that skinny bitches can’t wear?). now i, being a larger then average woman, am in total agreeance with this statement–especially after the assualt on my eyes the lady this morning made.

let’s be clear here… i’m not bashing fat women as i’ve already identified myself as one of them. however, i’m a firm believer in wearing something that flatters your figure and accentuates the good, not horrifies others with the bad. i mean, lane bryant, torrid, and ashley stewart were all designed for the larger woman…
See? They do make clothes that fit us!

See? They do make clothes that fit us!

so to conclude this edition of style file, big girls, lets remember that although we are beautiful with our size, lets be sure to get the size that fits us and style that looks good… stop bein a big ghetto mess!

Statistically speaking (i know there’s a supporting statistic… i just don’t know where though), we spend most of our lives at work. This also means that we probably use our workplace bathrooms most of the time we use the bathroom when not showering. So obviously the work bathroom is an important one. But some people take this a little too seriously.
At my current job we have a bathroom Nazi. All of this bathroom stuff started with the constant abuse of the ladies room on our floor. We’d had like 2 floods in the span of a week on top of the fact that it consistently smelled like a maneur factory. So some ladies on our floor decided to ‘beautify’ our bathroom, asking for $1 donations. None of the ladies in my company have money for this bullshit, as they recognized it for the nonesense that it was.

So they decorated our bathroom with stuff that is super circa 1980. I mean, fake flowers, green roses (WTF?!?!?), and apple cinnamon renziut spray. So cut to last week up till yesterday… One lady, the bathroom Nazi, is always in the bathroom sprayin down and fixin it up like the lady who works in club bathrooms.

This would be the bathroom Nazi who makes sure all the green roses are there and maces people with cheap air freshener

This would be the bathroom Nazi who makes sure all the green roses are there and maces people with cheap air freshener

My coworker and i happen to be in there at the same time. As she comes out the stall, the bathroom Nazi maces her in the face with the apple cinnamon spray. This had to be the funniest event of the day (so I made a point of telling virtually everyone about it). So yesterday I mosey on into the bathroom to handle business that you do in the bathroom and I was shocked and appalled by what greeted me upon opening the door.

This is how it looked when she got maced in the face with the cheap air freshener

This is how it looked when she got maced in the face with the cheap air freshener

Apparently the bathroom Nazi had a problem with the way the ladies on the floor were cleaning up the water on the sink and she wanted EVERYONE to know this. On every stall, Mirror, and the thing that dispenses the paper towels were signs about wiping the sink down. Although I’ve never been to a place that they torture people, I imagine this would be how one looked. It was almost as if there were threats all over the wall. I mean, how can anyone comfortably wipe their asses in this environment? The bathroom Nazi had gone too far… Doesn’t she have a real 9-5 job? What the hell did she do that she could afford to spend so much time in the bathroom making sure that it smelled “fresh”, the sinks were wiped down, and noone had tinkled on the seat? Furthermore, if you did have the time to spend not working, why would you spend it in the public bathroom?

So what did i do? On behalf of my ass and all the other asses that walked into the bathroom shocked, appalled, and almost pissing on themselves, I took a stand! Now those signs are down in the bathroom… Next step, getting rid of the cheap air freshener and the circa 1980 decor ***shudder***.

Moral of the story: its only a bathroom… Do your job and stop being weird!

you know… this blogging world is so interesting… people blog for soooo many reasons… some to vent, some to give advice, some to share life lessons, etc… me? i’m blogging because i need to have an outlet for the sheer but blatent ignorance that goes on…

i feel like i’m doing my witty mind injustice by keeping it all to myself so i figure why only blog about my lessons in marriage? why not blog about the shit that’s on my mind? makes sense to me…

so anywho, the purpose of this blog is relatively undefined, however, it will be a couple things.

1. full of truth and honesty

2. probably pretty funny

3. raw and unedited (for the most part)

now granted, i do understand that this disclaimer is mainly for me, as i have no readers yet, but in case i do get some readers, at least they know!